If you’re not rooting for your enemies redemption, then your spirit is misaligned.
– John Goodman in the season finale of The Righteous Gemstones.
I wouldn’t say I am a person who goes looking for signs, I don’t go searching for meaning in messages that probably aren’t there. But I am someone who from time to time, hears something that has an emotional impact. Sometimes it’s just lyrics, sometimes it’s from a book I’m reading. It can be a quote or from a character on a TV show or move. It can be someone’s social media post and even sometimes it’s word from a friend. But when I do hear certain messages at the right time and right place, it resonates with me to my core. I’m not sure if that entirely makes a lot of sense, but to me it does. For instance I can’t listen to Strip Me by Natasha Bedingfield without feeling like it’s a personal anthem I want to belt out.
That’s becasue the power of words are so important. Words are singularly the most powerful force available to humanity. We can choose to use this force constructively with words of encouragement, or destructively using words of despair. Words have energy and power with the ability to help, to heal, to hinder, to hurt, to harm, to humiliate and to humble.
This afternoon wasn’t any different. I had been watching the season finale of the Righteous Gemstones with my boyfriend and at the end, John Goodman gives a speech about redemption and forgiveness that struck a strong cord inside. Forgiveness. Redemption.
I don’t make it a secret that I have been battling an inner turmoil with someone on YouTube for a little over a year now. I have spent the last year wrestling myself over cruel words I said and wishing I could take them back. I have spent hours thinking about how I should have handled things better and basically putting myself through my own hell, my own prison, trying to rehabilitate my anger. I’m not normally an angry person, I very rarely harbor grudges. But from time to time, when something hits a particular nerve, I seem to know the right vocabulary jugular nerve to strike and really hurt someone. My mother’s talent really.
When I got into that conversation with that man a couple of weeks ago, it felt like I was right back to square one where I was last year with these feelings. Sure, talking to good friends and trying to keep busy with videos and this website has helped a lot. But I would be lying if I said I hadn’t spent more time than I should have over this. I try really hard to wish good things upon people I don’t like but I’m not a saint and I can’t always get there. I thought that maybe if I just stayed in my corner and she stayed in hers, I could find some peace but I wasn’t, not entirely. I was doing better, but not entirely. Until I heard that quote from John Goodman tonight.
The thing about it is, it all comes down to forgiveness and always has been. It’s hard to forgive when your still angry, when resentments weren’t resolved and you haven’t been able to find absolute peace within yourself. Forgiveness isn’t something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves to get well and move on. I have wished her well in the past and meant it, but it was like leading a horse to water and trying to make them drink. I did drink but not easily. It wasn’t exactly an easy pill to swallow. Okay I’ll try to ease up on the metaphor’s. But even an hour before I watched this episode, her name came up to a friend as an example of something that still seems to trigger me and I was not nice about it. To the point where even I was like, whoa, take a chill pill Sarah. I think I was meant to see that episode and hear that message.
That message was: don’t just wish her well, don’t just forgive her but pray for her redemption.
Wither she likes it or not, I do forgive her. I forgive all the hurt pain she’s cause me and I forgive her stubbornness and for avoiding me, for not talking about it and getting a chance to clear the air. I will pray that she finds redemption. I do wish her good things in her life and that she finds happiness but most of all I pray that one day she can wake up and see and go on her own journey of finding redemption.
I won’t lie, I did find it humorous when I saw a little bit of karma hit her a week after the incident. One of my biggest grievances was that she would steal ideas from me and then she had something stolen that meant a lot to her. It was even nicer the more she reacted irrationally about the situation, the more she lost. Sure she was compensated slightly in the end but she didn’t get what she truly wanted, to be the victorious martyr. She didn’t win trying to be David against Goliath.
I admit to being a little bit smug when this happened, which I realize is vanity but despite that I do not wish her misfortune or ill will. Instead I will pray. Of course I will still keep focusing on going on my own journey and try to be a little bit of a better person than I was before but for her, I will pray. I pray that karma still keeps coming to visit her and to teach her lessons, to teach her lessons that she needs to know until she can see them. I pray that she is able to humble herself to accept true criticism from others. But most of all, I will pray that she finds herself on her own road to redemption as I have been on mine. I do and will pray for her redemption.