Thank You

Breaking up with someone f*cking sucks. I’m sorry for the swearing but I think in this case, it’s very much appropriate and I think it’s something you’ll forgive me for. I do try not to swear too often, not to offend people but it takes away the ompfh that comes with a really good swear word. On that same hand, some days I’ll drop the F bomb on every other word. I am very often a walking contradiction. That being said, losing someone sucks wither it be a lover, a friend, a family member or literally anything else. Grief is universal and can’t be avoided. Grief effects all of us uniquely as some of us deal with it head on and sometimes we hide from it and try to suppress it like it doesn’t exist. Personally, I’ve done both.

Grief can even be given an extra layer of difficulty when we aren’t given closure, or the closure we feel deserve. More often than not, this is the case and we are put in charge of closing the chapters ourselves. This is what happened to me this time. I wasn’t given the luxury of a proper goodbye. I was ghosted. I felt the man I loved pull away from me bit by bit and instead of letting him go and hoping he would come back on his own, I clung. I begged. I pleaded. I became a woman I prided myself not to be, one of those women. The kind I roll my eyes at when I hear a woman say she loves a man she barely knows. I thought so hard that if I could only just try to make him believe that I wasn’t one of the supposed women of his past that he would want to stay.

Because I was different. I am different. I’m not someone who when I want to be with someone, wants someone for what they can do for me. I’ve been in two long term relationships to know by now that love isn’t 50/50. There are going to be times where love is 80/20 and vice versa where one person leans on the other for extensive periods of time and need to lean on each other. That’s what true love is. At least to me. It’s about looking into a person’s soul, seeing all their flaws and insecurities yet loving them anyway. I know who I am and what I expect out of love and as much as I tried to make him understand that, I don’t think he was able to stop comparing me to his past relationships. I try to not think about if he had started seeing someone else and liking them more because that’s something I can’t fully ever know. I do know that he wasn’t able to fully return the feelings, as much as he might have wanted to.

So I let him go. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy. The first time I couldn’t handle it. That was when I became the woman I didn’t recognize. The worst part was that I knew I wasn’t acting like myself. A part of me just wanted to get him to admit that he couldn’t do this, for him to be the bad guy and to break it off. But he didn’t. Instead he closed up shop and hid even deeper within himself. I remember at one point in our conversation, I tried to come to a compromise. I promised to give him more space if he promised to try and communicate with me. All I wanted was him to communicate what he wanted from us. I told him I don’t do well with things being vague and that has always been true in any aspect of my life. I like clear drawn lines in the sand of where I stand and open boundaries but then again, I am a Sagittarius.

The second time I decided enough was enough was definitely easier. It still hurt but there was this comfort in knowing I had done literally everything I could try, spoken every truth I had in me and left no stone upturned. Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to lash out and there are still moments when I do. Where I want to call him vulgar names and say the worst possible things and burn every possible bridge between us but what possible good could that do aside from momentary satisfaction? The guilt that comes after hurting someone outweighs any brief relief. Neither am I someone who can just scream into a pillow and feel better. I can talk about my feelings to friends, which I did, but that isn’t a cure all pill either.

The point of this article is that I want to say thank you. Thank you to the people who are letting me go through what I’m dealing with and understand. Sometimes I need to hide under my blanket and sleep for twelve hours and wallow and sometimes I need to watch a Disney Princess movie that is horrible and cliche. For me, being okay after a breakup has to do with acceptance. I’m no alcoholic but I do believe in AA’s mantra:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference

It’s all about the grieving process and I think this is what any of us have to do when we lose something important to us. Is it easy? Hell no. just wanted to say thank you to everyone whose been understanding through out all of this. It has opened up something inside me that I haven’t felt a long time. I pride myself on being a creative person but I haven’t been able to tap into a certain aspect of myself for a very long time. I hope I can continue to share more of myself as I grow and develop. Thank you again so much for being there and taking the time to read this.

Until next time, Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

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