Better

Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more

I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.

That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.

The good thing is that work is going a lot better. My boss(s)* (because there’s always more than one boss) have been very impressed with my work. On Saturday between myself and a couple other coworkers, we cleared out seven pallets of apparel freight and I had stayed over an hour late to make sure to help out another department get their work done. The day before that on Friday I had impressed the new store manager when he had pulled everyone out of their normal departments to stock grocery shelves by completing two very large carts of freight along with another coworker with me. On Sunday I worked all day in the online grocery department to make my previous boss happy and I was still able to put away my own freight at the same time. All in all, my job has been a very successful weekend and that does make me very happy. I was able to finally submit in my availability time sheet for more hours with my boss and she seemed more than happy to give me more hours now that I’ve finally been able to prove myself to her.

The rest of the time has been a hit or miss. I still sleep for too long. I still want to do nothing but lay in bed and not think about the world. I think all the time of things that need to get done from the laundry to taking care of my cats to projects I have on my Discord. Thinking about Ross has lessened a lot and the pain has stopped a lot but it’s still there. I still feel so very… empty.

It’s so weird to me that it’s been exactly one week since I last heard his voice, the last time I talked to him. Where I thought after we had hung up that maybe… just maybe.. we could finally start to get some where. Because I had finally put all my cards out on the table. I told him, this is what I need but I am willing to compromise with X, Y and Z as long as this is what you want too. I mean obviously I was wrong and last night I did crumble by texting him and messing him on Facebook if I could ask him a question.

I wanted to ask him, what happened? Was there someone else? If so was it his ex or did he just meet someone else? I just wanted to know… I just wanted answers. Our conversation was strange and didn’t make sense to me at all but what I did learn is that he still cares about me, as I do him, and I think that’s enough of a foundation we can both work with. I asked if we can be friends and that’s something I’d like to work with.

On a tangent, I did find myself looking at a lot of Pinterest poetry and quotes this weekend. A lot of love poetry was recommend to me which would normally be the ultimate cringe to look at when your going through heartbreak and yet… I found myself oddly comforted by it. I also found myself inspired to listen to certain love songs. Not because I am in love with someone new or over my heartbreak but, because I had felt that strong spark with Ross it was like this reminder that I am hopeful to someday feel that way again. I am still head over heels in love with him and I don’t think that will ever fully go away just as the love I’ve felt for my last two long term relationships went. When I say I love you, they are words I say with my whole chest, my whole heart. Just reading these quotes and poetry, just listening to these songs, makes me remember my heart isn’t dead and that I can feel that way again someday.

And that’s why I finally feel like I am doing better. I will be going back to my regular Sim story writing soon so please stay tuned for that if that is something of mine that you are enjoying. I am going to still try and write more on here when I’m inspired and eventually dedicate a space on here just for my regular non sims writing.

Until next time Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

P.S. Down below are some of the quotes and poetry I’ve been reading. I hope you’ll enjoy it too

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