So Sorry Abi: Putting the Pieces Together

It’s probably safe to assume that I didn’t get very good sleep last night. And your right, I didn’t. I kept tossing and turning, analyzing everything in my mind. But one question kept surfacing in my head over and over again like a giant neon sign. Why? Why her? Why would he not be open? Why did he ghost me?

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. It had to do with a conversation we had.

I don’t remember the exact date or why I brought it up, except it was in a moment where I thought everything was fine between us, but during text one morning while I was folding clothes at work, I texted Ross that if we were to break up I’d be fine. I told him that it would of course be painful but that I would eventually get over him. And it’s true. I still believe that to this day. For instance I just woke up feeling angry than anything else. I’m still very much angry at Ross for being such a liar and such a manipulator. But telling a manipulator that you’d be okay without them doesn’t sit well with them.

Let’s move forward to Sunday when he and I had our last conversation on the phone. He tells me this, that he is afraid because of my messages to him, that some how it reminded him of the ex fiance that dumped him and how he was teetering on the fence. It honestly made no sense to me and still doesn’t. How does my ability to confess that I’d be okay being my independent self and ability to move on play any part of your ex? You want someone so reliant on you that they wouldn’t be okay? Someone who isn’t their own person? Which makes perfect sense for a manipulator, someone who wants you to utterly rely on them for your happiness. Which geeze… talk about calling the kettle black when he had the nerve a couple of times to say that I was the needy one.

Which brings me to my next point of why I think Ross chose Abi over me. I admit it is petty to criticize someone’s appearance and would have never done so if she had taken me up on my offer of friendship, if she had dumped the cheater with me but… since that is neither here nor there, lets begin. Below is a side by side picture of the two of us. I am the blonde on the right and Abi is the woman on the left.

The first similarity I noticed is that we are both plus size women, clearly Ross has a type. This is just for informational purposes, I don’t care if someone has a preference for plus size women. Our faces are similarly shaped and we share the same eye color and small lips and to me that’s where the similarities stop.

I am not a vain woman by any means. I almost never wear makeup and I do my best to never think anyone is ugly. I have felt criticized by my appearance my entire life and it took a long time to love myself and my body for what it is. That being said, I am a woman who when I look into the mirror, usually likes what she see’s. I like my reflection. I can have sex with the lights on and not be bothered by my jiggly roles because I do know I am pretty. I wish I could say the same for Abi. I showed her photo to a few friends and the first reaction was, “woof” to which I couldn’t help but agree. Who let the dogs out?

At first glance I took Abi as the type of woman who might be a solidarity sister to scream YaYa out in the middle of the night with me because she looks like a lot of my friends back home. But when she also refused to accept my olive branches of friendship, it made me realize.. oh… you are just a poser. I get it. You only look weird/cool/wild. At the heart of it, she’s just a desperate 36 year old woman who probably has to grasp at any chance of love she can find. It’s sad and pathetic but I can oddly relate to it. She would rather believe the lies Ross tells her because what exactly are her chances of finding true love? Not very high if you ask me.

This coincides with my first point of Ross’s desperate need to find someone. He needs someone he can manipulate, who won’t be okay without him. And sadly, that is clearly Abi. A 36 year old woman who doesn’t have a lot of options and desperate to take anyone who can have her. Clearly they are a match in heaven.

Working all this has helped bring a lot of peace to my mind. Am I still sad? Yes but being able to put the pieces together and connect the dots. I consider myself fortunate to find out this about Ross now and not months later or even years later. Some people, probably like Abi, won’t be so lucky.

Anyway, until next time, Sincerely

Sarah Smiles

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