The Monster Inside Us All

There is a little tiny monster inside of all of us. It sleeps like a dragon on a pile of gold, slumbering. For most of us, it is not easily disturbed and very rarely awakens. At least mine rarely is. When it is awakened, it roars not from being disturbed by sleep. It’s furious that it’s gold is in jeopardy of being stolen. You, yourself fully are the gold. Each of us are the treasure that needs to be protected. For some people the monster will attack itself confused by where the danger is coming from. Some it directly goes in for the kill.

I am very rarely ever unable to control my anger. I can lasso her and keep her on a short leash most of the time. It’s almost always very obvious when I am in pain or hurting by someone, I don’t exactly hide my feelings very well but I’m always able to keep the monster inside of me from causing too much destruction. They hurt me and are unapologetic by their actions, thereby they should get exactly what’s coming to them, right? To some extent. I think we all want karma when someone has hurt us. I think it’s normal to want them to feel exactly the same kind of pain they hurt you but want and actually doing it are two separate things.

I’ve let my inner monster have free reign for awhile now, something I’ve never done. I’ve said and done hurtful things just because I was hurt. I’m still hurting but what I’ve done and said wasn’t right. And for that I deeply apologize. It took remembering a song from Moana and these deep words from a Tumblr post analyzing the actions of Te Fiti and Te ka and the fact that they themselves are the same person. It took me to remember that most cheaters who hurt you, will never be able to heal you. They are too selfish to ever acknowledge their involvement in causing your pain.

Tei Fiti is the metaphor for trauma and I couldn’t agree more. It’s taken seeing myself, accepting myself and how far of a monster I can become to still be able to look at myself in the face and say, “you know what? I forgive you. You are angry and you are hurt but you aren’t this person.”

“I have crossed the horizon to find you
(Ou loto mamaina toa)
I know your name
(Manatu atu)
They have stolen the heart from inside you
(Taku pelepele)
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are

I think my pain was doubled especially when I had reached out to Abi, hoping to find a solidarity sister only to be rejected. I still stand by my analysis of her and him that hasn’t changed at all. But that rejection definitely added to the pile of pain. This woman could have reached out to me at any point, but didn’t because she didn’t want to risk her only or last chance at love. And I get that. I don’t respect that but I understand it. The point is, my pain had no where to go. It only made my anger grow.

So how did it all change? Remembering that I am simply enough. Having that conversation with myself on forgiving myself.

That being said, I logged onto Tinder for the first time since I deleted it off my phone after meeting Ross. Which is roughly give or take a month. I honestly had no idea what I was doing. I am so not looking to date. But instantly I was flooded with more message than I knew what to do with. People who are genuinely interesting in getting to know me. It made me remember my worth. I know I’m not perfect but I know I’m a catch. I know I’m fun, silly and interesting. It made me smile. It made me remember how big the world is and how little Ross is in comparison. It made me remember that only I can restore my own heart from when it’s been stolen. I’m not ready to date but I’ve opened up to the idea of talking about dating. In fact I found someone in the same neighborhood and am meeting up with tomorrow to hangout, just to see where things go. I finally feel like myself again, where I can just have fun and not take things so seriously. Expect posts about my Homemaker Challenge to follow soon. If anyone wants recaps or updates on dating adventures feel free to comment below. Otherwise I’ll probably stick to the Sims on this blog for the most part.

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