A Little Insecure

It’s weird to know that its been a week since I finally finished burning the bridges with Ross and letting the ash settle. In theory a week is not a very long time but like Einstein once said, time is relative.

“A second in one reference frame may be longer compared to a second in another reference frame.”

And that couldn’t be more true. At the very end of my last blog post, I talked about how I had been able to let go of all my anger by forgiving myself. That despite the actions I took while angry, that doesn’t define who I am and remembering that I myself, am enough. That same night, I logged back onto Tinder. I wasn’t looking to date but just looking for… something. I don’t know what. Not validation but I did find that. I was reminded of the facts that I already knew, that I am pretty, funny, sweet, smart and caring. That I have enough love in my heart for a thousand life times. I knew I was finally able to let go and move on from Ross. And because of that, there was this odd sort of peace that had settled upon my heart. Like fresh snow on top of a bloody battlefield.

That same night, I received three messages from three different guys, all within different types of context of course. Two of those three guys made it to texting that night on my phone and only one made it to a two hour phone call in the middle of the night. That’s the man I’ll be referring to most in this in this blog post. We’ll call him… the Cuban. The Cuban was from Florida and I had been hesitant to talk to someone so far away but then I thought, well… after Ross was 50 miles away what could talking hurt? Our conversation was just so easy, just like it had been with Ross but I might argue that it was even better. There was no pressure for it to be anything other than it was, just talking. We were silly and I forgot how good it felt to just laugh. I probably could have talked to him all night and by the vibes I was feeling, it was mutual.

I even wrote this little poem called “I Forgot.” I wasn’t ready yet to talk about why I had written this poem or what I was going through in my head space when I wrote it but I am now.

I Forgot

I forgot what it was like to talk
Just talk
Till the minutes bleed into hours
And hours turn to days.
No expectations from the other
Just laughter and smiles so big that
Your face feels like it’ll fall off.
No talking about the future
Just about the here and now
I forgot what it was like
When you talk with somebody new

The next day on the 1st I even got even more messages from different guys on Tinder but I wasn’t too interested in replying to any of them. I got a wonderful “good morning beautiful” morning text from The Cuban along with a photo of him, which put an instant giant smile on my face. Good morning texts are one of my favorite things to receive. We texted all morning and throughout the next day, as I waited for the bus to go home from work he kept me company talking to me on the phone. I was in literal heaven. Ross… who?

We made plans for me to come down to see him in a couple weeks as his parents were coming to visit. I’m excited to say the least. He is someone I feel like even if things don’t work out romantically, can be really good friends with. So why this blog post then? Why is it called a little insecure? Well…

The other day I started to get nervous. What if this is all in my head.. what if this is only one sided? And scariest of all… what if he finds someone else he likes better? Will I become my biggest fear and become a Ruby Tuesday? After all, who could hang a name on me when I change with every new day? Still, you’re gonna miss me. It was then I realized that not only did Ross create these insecurities but if I didn’t learn how to address and deal with these new founded scars, that they would become deep rooted and take years to remove. I was constantly apologizing for being “too much” around him. For saying what was on my mind, for being me. It wasn’t until the end of our “relationship” that I had to put my foot down and say, you know what? I’m not too much. It was like that Marilyn Monroe quote, “If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure don’t deserve me at my best.”

So even though I was terrified, I messaged the Cuban.

We both just kind of sat on that message for a day other than him said he doesn’t want me to be scared. I replied that I am trying not to be. There was just this instant relief after hearing that. That he doesn’t want me to be scared and honestly.. I don’t want to be scared either. Love is such a scary thing and opening your heart, especially once it’s been hurt, is not something everyone can do again. Once burned, twice shy and all that. There’s this scary expectation of what if you put your heart out on the table and truly fall for someone and the feeling isn’t mutually returned? I’ve been on both sides of that coin and I can’t say which is worse, not having your feelings reciprocated or not being able to reciprocate.

When he called me on the phone the next night though, he wanted to talk about it. He asked why I was scared and what I meant by I like him. I did a really poor job trying to express how I felt. I tried to say basically, I’m nervous about putting my heart out there, giving it to him fully, only to not be on the same page. I wanted to know how he felt about me, if he liked me too in the same way. I could tell he didn’t want to hurt my feelings after his prolonged pauses. “It’s okay,” I said. “We can just be friends.” And that’s where I thought we left the phone call off.

Moments later he sent me a text asking if it was okay to still keep a semi-provocative photo I had sent him over the weekend. I could tell he was feeling guilty for still finding me attractive but at the same time wanting to respect our boundaries of just being friends. It was single handedly one of the nicest and respectful gestures a man has ever done. I’ve taken my fair share of dirty pictures and just assumed they were lost out there on the internet for the world to find only to resurface if I chose a field in politics or Hollywood. It also made me realize that hey, this man still finds me sexy as hell to the point where he’s asking if it was okay for him to still “enjoy” this. I read between the lines of what that meant pretty quickly. So I was honest.

“I think your sexy as hell and I want to jump your bones. It doesn’t mean there has to be more because of that. You don’t have to delete any photo I volunteered to send.” To which he replied

“I want to jump yours right back…”

My eyebrow raised. Well this is definitely not how I felt our conversation on the phone had only moments ago went. So I wrote


Thinking it over… like a lot… I guess you could say my biggest fear is not just The Cuban, but anyone really, is looking at me, really looking at me and loving what they see despite all my flaws. That sometimes I can be a big giant mess. I think that’s basically almost everyone wants deep down. I am still going to go slow and take my time and I’m still going to be seeing other people. I’ll be able to meet up with The Cuban in just under a couple of weeks on the 20th and hopefully will have some more answers by then. Maybe we’ll just end up being friends, maybe we’ll end up being more. It’s too soon to tell other than I really like this guy.

That’s all I have for you guys right now. If you’d like to hear more dating stories please let me know with either a like or comment. I have been working on more of the next chapter of Homemaker Challenge for the Sims 2, it’s just slowly coming along but I hope to have Chapter 11 up this week. Until next time guys,

Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

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