Closure

I like how sometimes you get the closure you didn’t even know you needed in unexpected ways. Yesterday the Cuban messaged me out of no where. The last I wrote about him was on the 7th of October but that was before we had mutually ended it. We had decided we weren’t a good fit together a few days later on the 12th. We were just two different types of people and while I was willing to try and work out some kind of compromise, I didn’t feel like the Cuban ever wanted to meet me half way. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

Let’s go back to talking about yesterday, Friday October 23rd. I received a text message from him late that morning, checking in on me and asking how I was. My eyebrows raised and a bunch of thoughts flooded in at once:

My first thought was, it was the first contact in ten days, especially when I never expected to hear from him again. I had hoped deep down in my subconscious, the way a child hopes for Santa to be really real, that he would message me again but I knew realistically that I had better odds of winning the lottery. I guess I should have bought a ticket. Basically, what I’m trying to say is the first thought I had was to count down the days since we last spoke and I was overall surprised that he had messaged at all.

My second thought was, I always knew that he had never stopped liking me. During the time we were getting to know each other via text, I had summarized the problem was he had started to see me as a potential girlfriend or relationship material when we hadn’t known each other that long. I had been very clear from the get go that we needed to take things slow, not to be exclusive or even put labels on anything. I had tried to say this in various ways, including but not limited to the message about the possibility about moving to Florida if something serious were to happen down the line but we were far from that possibility at the moment. I think at this point he and I were both working through our heads if the other was enough for a potential for something serious down the line. Because the chemistry between both of us were undeniable and palpable. It was thick as molasses and I think if several factors hadn’t been put into play, say the distance and his parents coming into town for ten days.. lets just say the heat couldn’t have been contained to just the kitchen. Anyway, that’s not important. I mean it is important but it’s not entirely relevant to the point I’m trying to make. I always knew The Cuban liked me for me, even if he had tried running away from his feelings before.

The last thing I thought was, oh god, what does he want? I was nervous. This was what I wanted right? You want him to reach out and finally admit to his feelings, to open up and communicate and here he is, maybe in his own way to do exactly that. I waited for a minute to get my thoughts together. I kept picking up my phone and putting it back down thinking what and how to respond. Me, being me of course, said it in the only way I know how, candidly.

“Not trying to be rude, but what do you want?” I said.

I’m loosely translating from memory because I rashly deleted all the text messages later that night, but his reply went something along the lines of “I just wanted to make sure there weren’t any resentments or harsh feelings between us,” or something to the like. Again, I don’t have the exact text message because in a purge of “good riddance” I deleted all his messages off my phone. I’m getting ahead of myself.

I sent a long reply back detailing that I wasn’t mad at him, just disappointed. Disappointed in how I just wanted to get to know each other. He replied “It’s all my fault” or something to the like. And I said “No, of course not. I should have never said I liked you.” Which retrospectively yes, was a mistake because that puts a burden of expectations upon him. I don’t feel bad for confessing my feelings for him but I regret in the manner of how and how soon. We had matched on Tinder on September 30th, then spent four crazy cool days in nonstop texts and conversation on the phone and by October 5th, I had confessed that I was starting to have feelings by liking him. So yeah. That was my bad because while I didn’t mean anything serious by it, him on the other line doesn’t necessarily know that even though feelings were developing on both sides.

Feelings are such a crazy thing, especially to catch. I’m such an open book it’s hard for me to just not say directly what’s coming out of my mouth. I’ve had to learn a lot through the process to acknowledge how I feel but it doesn’t always mean I should say what I’m thinking out loud. I mean I don’t think I can never not say completely what’s on my mind but to some extent, yes I should hold back more in life. And life experiences, not just through dating, have taught me that.

Anyway. There were a lot of long texts on my side detailing exactly how I thought he felt about me and to please correct me if I’m wrong. He didn’t say anything back to any of it. I messaged him a screen shot of a text where he had said that he “loved my face.” In context, I had sent him a selfie of me coming home after work. I was tired and changed into PJ’s but he was always sending me selfies and I wanted to reciprocate. During those days, whenever he had sent me a random selfie of his face it always made me smile and I wanted to do the same for him.

So yeah. I took a screen shot of him saying that he loved my face because it made my coeur énorme. At the time, I thought it would be cute to tease him at a later date if things turned serious to pin point the exact moment where I realized he was starting to like me as much as I liked him. Mind you, this was on Saturday October 3rd, two days before I had sent him the text confessing my own feelings about liking him.

I showed him this message and reiterated the thoughts above and he replied “I do like you for more than your face.” And not to sound smug 😏 but yeah, I knew that. I felt like things were starting to finally come to a head. This is going to be it Sarah, I told myself. It’s now or never. This was where we are going to line up our battle stations and line up exactly what’s what. I was ready.

He tried throwing excuse after excuse but they were ones I had already spent weeks working out. Exclusivity? Wasn’t looking for it. Lets take this slow and not put labels on it. Distance? Not really a problem at the moment especially as we are taking things slow, it’s doable for the moment. Would have met up by already if things were meant to be? True, but I did almost messaged you on Monday the day before I was supposed to originally come down on the 20th but wanted to respect your need for space. I ended my case by saying, “look, I think we could make great friends and lovers and eventually figure something out later down the line but if this is something that you want to try, I am going to need you to be more open and communicative with me.” To which he replied, “Maybe we can get there someday.”

I wasn’t sure what to do with that last text. I wasn’t exactly sure what he meant. That maybe we can get there, there being a relationship down the line, or if he meant maybe we can get to friends and/or lovers someday. It wasn’t clear at all and honestly… I was just too exhausted to hone in the point.

Instead I thought to try a different route, to take things more casually. I asked him about his dating life if he had been on any interesting dates and we talked about our dating lives and I shared a couple of interesting stories that have happened to me since we last spoke. I sent him a selfie I took last week as a subtle and not so subtle reminder that hey, I’m really cute/pretty and you’re the crazy person for not wanting to jump up all on this/do everything they can to get it lol. He sent me a selfie back and of course, it made me smile. It was nice to see his face and I felt like I was trying to show everything I could that I wanted to jump up all on that.

Just a quick side note, typing all this out really makes me see clearly how hard I was still working to actively engage with him when there was just so little being returned. It wasn’t something I could see in the moment because I was keeping apart of myself detached in my feelings for The Cuban. Yes I liked him but I could live without him and in the moment, I just wanted to put all my cards out on the table to show that hey, I think we really could be good together but was okay if I needed to fold and walk away. In the moment this was all a game of cards on who could hold them and who could fold them. And relationships shouldn’t be like that. It’s something I see crystal clear as I’m writing this that when a guy likes you, they will do anything to show you that and I shouldn’t have to chase it or work so hard to get so little out of it. Anyway, I keep jumping ahead, its just random bits of “ah ha” moments as I write this out.

At one point during our conversation about a crazy dating story I was telling him that had happened, The Cuban goes, “I bet you he was married.” To which I replied, “are you still sure you aren’t?” Because even now I still had my doubts. I did not want to call him a liar, I wanted to trust The Cuban with all my heart because I liked him and I generally want to believe the best in people however hard it is to do. But all things considered, I do think I was justified for still having doubts about him as a person. I didn’t really mean that question, nor to call into question his integrity, I was half joking and half serious after all. There was a small part of me that I honestly would not have been shocked if there was a moment that could only be on Maury where he confessed to having a secret family. I mean the first time I asked him that question before we called it off, he did joke about having seven children or something to the like. The joke was funny but again, I do think I am justified about having doubts because of the lack of trust in our communication. In The Cuban’s own words, he offered for me to stalk his Facebook profile. Which yeah, I mean I was totally going to do because it finally felt like an olive branch of hey you can get to know me. I let him know he could stalk my profile back and that I was sending him a friend request. I made it clear that I wouldn’t be offended if he didn’t accept the offer but yeah, I wanted him to.

At this point a few hours had passed and it was roughly around 6pm. I asked him if it was okay to talk on the phone, that I missed his voice. He said sure. Not wanting to press, I said, okay I’m free until 10pm and then I have to go to bed. So I waited. And waited. I didn’t have a lot to do that evening but I found some busy work to pass the time. I talked with a friend on Facebook, I put my laundry away that I had done on Tuesday and was still sitting in the basket, I took a shower and shaved my legs. I watched YouTube videos and whittled the time away till it was around 9:20-ish. In the back of my head I was afraid he was going to do this. Stall. Stall until it was basically so close to my bedtime so we wouldn’t have to get into any of the deep conversation he knew I wanted to talk about.

Me being me, texted him around 9:23pm “Hey are we still on to talk tonight?” Nothing. 9:37 “I guess you changed your mind?” I get a call at 9:42 from him

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey,” he replied.

“I thought you had gotten cold feet?” I joked with the light heartiest laugh I could muster. I didn’t want him to take it personally, I was just happy he called.

“What do you mean?” He replied, “Why would I get cold feet?” I felt my chest tighten nervously. I wanted to keep things calm and I could already see if I wasn’t careful this could go down very dangerous waters very quickly.

“Well you know, my text-” I started.

“Well I was watching a movi-“

“Oh that’s okay! I didn’t know.”

“If you could let me finish.”

“Okay… I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to interrupt.”

“Thank you. I was watching a movie and it just got done.”

“Oh okay, for sure that’s cool,” I said.

“Yeah,” he said. “It’s not like I don’t have a life, what were you expecting that I spend all my time sitting around doing nothing except to think of you?”

“No of course not,” I had to choke back a sob in the back of my throat. This wasn’t where I wanted our conversation to go. I had wanted things to be lighthearted and fun but instead I had stepped on a land mind. “I never said that or expected that. I was doing stuff too you know.” and proceeded to tell him loosely what I had done ie the laundry, shower and talking with a friends. “So…” I said awkwardly, still trying to keep the tone light. “What movie did you watch?”

“The 10 Commandments.”

“The one from the 80’s…?” I asked. My mind was racing to place it. It sounded so familiar but I had never seen it. At least I have no memory of watching it. I consider myself Christian but one of the most liberal of Christians you’d probably meet. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I’m just not very familiar with a lot of biblical references.

“No, it’s from the 60’s I think.”

“Oh okay, that’s cool.”

“1956 actually,” he said as he was looking it up.

“Cool.” I tried to rack my brain of something interesting to say or of recent movies I had seen. What had I recently watched? I had actually immersed myself in a variety of content lately from YouTube, TV Shows and a couple of movies. Frida popped up. Ah yes, Frida. “I watched Frida last week, you know the one about the Mexican artist with Salma Hayek. It’s been on my to watch list forever and I finally got around to it.”

“Oh yeah, I know the one. The one with Matthew Mcconaughey where she plays a maid in New York.”

“Wait what?? What are you talking about?!”

“Yeah, you know, she plays a maid with Matthew Mcconaughey and…”

The next five to ten minutes are literally spent arguing over this. I kept telling him I had no idea what he was talking about and offering possible suggestions from Maid in Manhattan which came out the same year or even The Wedding Planner, both which had Jennifer Lopez instead of Slma Hayek but came out the same year as Frida. Even to the point of the Wedding planner had Matthew Mcconaughey alongside Jennifer Lopez. I even googled Matthew Mcconaughey Salma Hayek movie only to get the result of a 2005 movie called Sahara but it had Penelope Cruz, again not Salma Hayek.

“You know, the one with the uni-brow,” he said.

“Yes, that’s Frida! The famous Mexican painter,” I exasperated for what felt like the thirtieth time.

“I’m holding the DVD right now,” he said.

“Okay, I’m not saying your wrong. I just don’t know what your talking about. Could you please send me a picture because I honestly just feel like your messing with my head at this point.” And I really did think that. I thought he either realized he was wrong and was just messing with me at this point, knew he was wrong and just wanted to dig his heels in for longer, or literally I don’t know what else.

“Okay,” I sighed. “We’re not getting anywhere with this and your not going to send me a picture obviously of what you mean. I’m not saying your wrong I just don’t understand/think we are talking about different things or have our wires crossed somewhere. So lets move on.”

He let out a pretty big yawn but didn’t say anything.

“So.. um..” I started. I wanted to talk about us. I just wanted to have clear outlined boundaries of what we both wanted and to be on the same page. After all, what was any of this? I wasn’t looking to spend a whole lot of focus on it but it was important to me and to define our boundaries. Maybe we’d just be texting buddies, I didn’t know. I was game for that. I just wanted clear outlines on what we were and I don’t think that was asking for too much.

“Yeah…” he started, “I’m getting pretty tired. And how about you? Don’t you need to be going to bed soon too?”

“Yeah,” I replied cautiously, trying to not sound incredulous. “I mean, I was hoping we could um… talk about.. um..” I kept pausing and stuttering. I kept hoping he would pick up the obvious ball I was throwing out to him. I knew he knew what I was trying to say. I knew he had been wiggling out of having to avoid it. “You know what? Nevermind.” I said. “Have a good night, we’ll talk… whenever we talk.” He said, you too and goodbye we hung up the phone.

I was so mad is an understatement. I was furious. I was trying to keep my body from softly shaking in rage. That jerk! Instantly all romantic feelings I had built up over time went out the door. I had had it up to here. You could stick a fork in me because I was just done with it. If he didn’t want to talk about it, then fine. But I wasn’t going to play into his games anymore. I had always hoped in the back of my mind that there could be this possibility for us, even after everything, because I knew he had still liked me and was just running away from his feelings. But this? All of this? I tried to slow my brain down and process everything that happened that day. I even didn’t like how he spoke to me in the beginning, pin point blaming me for him for waiting to call. For him using me as an excuse when all he had to do was let me know at any point that “hey he was going to go watch a movie”. What he did was inconsiderate. He can be thoughtful in so many ways, but valuing my time was not one of them.

While I waited around for him, albeit I found other ways to entertain myself, he could have at any time just communicated what was going on in his life in tiny detail so I wasn’t left wondering in the dark. It really made me reflect how he’s never really sat and tried to consider my needs or feelings. And in truth he’s done this since the very first night we started talking, on October 1st, where we had talked on the phone where we spent hours of the night talking about him and things he’s interested in, what he would do with unlimited money. I had fallen for it because relationships are about give and take, sometimes you spend all night talking about the other person, sometimes you take turns. I have this question I like to ask people, what they would do with unlimited money and I always get excited to share when it’s my turn but only after I fully listen to their side because I think how a person would spend the money before doing something charitable and then how they would spend that charitable money says volumes who they are as a person. So it’s a question I like to invest a lot of time talking with another person and really hearing what they have to say but eventually, I do like to talk about the ridiculous things I would do. It’s a very eye opening question to get to know someone and keep going until they finally get to what they’d do with charity and how they would use it. But my point in this is that he never asked me or wanted to know my own opinions.

Anyway. I’m done. To the point where I don’t want anything romantically to do with The Cuban anymore. It was like any romantic feelings my heart had once had, died. That being said, my heart and I did get together to have one last talk about him. I rarely hold onto anger or hate. Rarely. As much as I know that I should probably hate The Cuban, I don’t. Weird how the heart works isn’t it? I am definitely someone who knows she forgives people too much before finally cutting them out of her life. But I know I won’t be reaching out to him ever again. You have had to do something seriously f*cked up to push me to that point and only a handful of people have ever have been cut out from my life. IE: the most recent example being Ross. I will never forgive that man or want any contact with him. But the Cuban? Even after all of this? With very strict boundaries in place, yes, we could still have some sort of odd friendship relationship on his end. I don’t think that is going to happen because I think he is too prideful and stubborn but I don’t hate him. If he were to text me, I probably would reply, but never to the same level or extent again.

Because here’s what I do know about myself. That I am a catch and that I am deserving of everything I ask for without having to compromise too much. I think love is about finding a middle ground in compromise to some extent but not entirely. I know that my heart is very big and giving and that I have to constantly realize what my boundaries are and how I want to go about setting them. I don’t mean to brag when I say that I’m a catch, I just know my worth and I know it’s worth a lot. Finding a date isn’t the hard part, it’s been finding the right person to mesh and talk with. I’ve started to be very clear from the get go on every new person that I start talking to, what are you looking for? Here’s what I want. Are we compatible in just talking? And I have to say it’s been a very interesting journey and I’ve been loving most of the steps a long the way. I’ve gotten a couple stories out of it, one scary, one funny but as strange as it sounds I’ve actually pulled back on dating a lot to focus more on myself and what I want to do.

Let me put it this way, it ended up being I would get five to six new messages from different guys everyday and I would whittle those down to three or four in texting. I would only meet up with one, two tops, and then start over again. That’s how it used to be for a few weeks. So the fact that I was putting so much time and effort into The Cuban said a lot because I do have a lot of options to chose from. But now I am looking to slow down on how often I date.

I still want to date but I want to focus on myself so I only talk to a couple of people at a time. I have met and developed a pretty good FWB whose on a weight loss journey and into some really kinky stuff and willing to show me. Which yes is TMI I am sorry but I am also trying to explore my sexuality. He and I are on the same page about not being interested in a relationship with one another but turned on by the other sexually enough too explore that and again, he’s willing to help explore/teach me some things I would have been too promiscuously scared to try.

That being said there is someone I’ve been talking to since the 17th. I don’t exactly have a nickname for him other than Hotcock and that’s pretty on the nose because well… I’ve seen it and it’s pretty hot lol. I like him for a lot of reasons, such as he’s weird, considerate, honest and really smart. I think the biggest reason why I like him is because of how up front he is about everything and constantly making sure we’re on the same page. He values my time and when he can’t text, he says so. We are different people in a lot of ways, he’s shy and more reserved while I am loud and well, less so reserved. To an exaggerated extent, I am the heart and he is the brain in The Awkward Yeti

I do mean that to a very exaggerated extent. I don’t think I’m quite as impulsive as heart is or he is quite as neurotic as brain is but there are definitely some correlations to our personalities from what I’ve learned so far about each of us. I really enjoy how each time we talk about something, however mundane, he becomes a little cheerleader always rooting on positively from the side for me to succeed in whatever my dreams and goals are. Even about the FWB, he encourages about wanting to explore my sexuality. I did have an opportunity to try and return the favor this weekend, to cheer him on for once, and I think he enjoyed it back. I meant every word. There’s a lot more to say on the topic of Hotcock but it’s too early to say and I just want to enjoy what he and I have at the moment for what it is: two people getting to know each other. I think whatever relationship he and I do develop will be very slow and I am honestly okay with that because it means whatever connections we are able to build will be built on very solid foundations.

So yeah, I’m not exactly too sad about putting a final nail in the coffin with The Cuban. I am always a bit bummed when expectations didn’t work out or possibilities died before they ever fully bloomed but such is life. I’m not worried about finding my other half or missing piece because I don’t think I’m broken or need someone to fulfill me or make me whole. I really enjoy dating and meeting new people, it’s just about finding someone whose willing to walk beside me in life as we go through it together. I am still very much talking to people, perhaps less but I’m focusing on what I want to do with me and my life more. Like this blog and many other stuff and I’m taking it day by day. I’m hoping to have a Vlog channel soon but we’ll see because even that has come with it’s own set of challenges like realizing how awkward it is to be on camera and articulating what I want to say knowing that it will be seen by a lot of other people, mostly strangers. But I think if I can do that with my writing, albeit missing my face, I think I can get there with Vlogging. Anyway, thank you for reading to the end of this very long blog entry tonight. If you have any thoughts or opininions I’d love to read them in the comments or even just a blog like. Feel free to follow if you like these sorts of entries and until next time,

Sincerely

Sarah Smiles

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