10-12- Update

Hey, I figured it was time for a quick update since it’s been a couple weeks since my last entry.

Things are going just fine with The New Yorker and I and things are still the same between us. I have wanted to write a little bit about what’s been going on, not necessarily between him and I but a couple of events that have happened.

Like for instance

  • I finally started to put my head under the waves at the beach! Yep, for those who read I Want To See You Be Brave, I have started working on overcoming this particular fear! I’ve only done it once and of course one time does not eradicate a fear but I digress. It’s the important of actually done it and I hope to do it again soon.
  • I went to this south-eastern punk flea market for the second time last Saturday (10-9) and it was a blast. The first time I went was in April with The Teacher from Dangerously Stupid entry and Spike. This time it was just The New Yorker and I and we had a good time. There were a lot of the same vendors from before. I took more pictures this time but at the same time, not nearly enough. I wasn’t brave enough to vlog it.

Speaking of vlogs, I am hoping to try and film my first vlog today but no promises. But I am going to try. I keep saying that but last week I wrote out a script in my head that I think I like. I’m not going to write it down though, just a guideline of things I’d like to say. I’ll probably butcher it and mess the whole video up but I at least want to try practice filming. Wither or not it will see the light of day… is debatable and I’ll decide later. It’s just going to be a short walk around my neighborhood while I introduce who I am and ideas I have for my channel, it probably won’t be more than five or six minutes total, maybe. It’s too soon to say since I haven’t started filming and I have a tenancy to ramble. If you think my writing’s long winded just wait till you hear my voice. I had a roommate once who told me that I sound a lot smarter in my writing than in person so… that is a fear of mine as well. Anyway!

I have been focusing a lot on my writing here on the blog but I keep getting pulled into five different directions on what I want to talk about, literally. I have five different recent drafts now of blog post topics and each are demanding my attention as much as the other. So instead it makes me sit there trying to think of what I want to write and instead I listen to hours of music. Go figure that. I can sit here and think about what I want to say but when it comes to actually sitting down and putting those feelings into words… I seriously start to struggle. Which sounds strange as again, my blog posts are always so long winded. But I am trying and I don’t want to just put out any content just to meet a deadline, the deadline being I wanted to publish one blog a week for the month of October. As of right now, I don’t think that is going to happen. And honestly that’s okay! Writing is a process and I’m not going to stress about it but I am sorry for those who few who avidly wait, that’s why I wanted to post this update. Because I appreciate you.

I’ve been experimenting with some divination, specifically with a make shift pendulum I created. It started out as a random curiosity and every day I’ve asked more and more questions. There is one particular question I asked and it sent me on a wild rabbit chase. I feel like Alice and I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole. I have no proof of any of the answers I got to my questions are true and I won’t share the situation unless I have confirmation wither it is true or not. My gut says yes, that the outline of the situation I asked are true but I honestly just know. I’m more afraid of my own personal bias interfering than actual facts than it not being real but, I was promised that I would receive the proof I’m looking for so, I’m just trying to be patience. Which lemme tell ya… isn’t easy.

I also now have an official work crush. I started a new job around six weeks ago and from my first day there I noticed two very attractive guys. Well subjectively attractive anyway. What I mean by that is that I am a sucker for tall, light haired, bespectacled, nerdy, bear type of men. I have no idea why. They don’t have to check every box, for example Alexander Skarsgård makes it to my list of celebrity crushes and he is only tall and blonde. Go figure. Anyway, lol. I’ve had these two crushes and have had different experiences with both. One has gone very well and the other well, has been a lot rockier.

The one that’s gone really well I’m just going to nickname in this blog as The Twenty-Three year old. Both guys are actually twenty-three but I don’t really have much to say on the other one at this time to give him a nickname. I want to be really careful on what I say in case any coworkers read it and figure out whose whom. I’d also like the idea of exploring a platonic friendship with the Twenty-Three year old and if I was ever brave enough to show him this blog of mine, the last thing I’d ever want to do is make him uncomfortable. He’s really sweet and we vibe off each other really well, that is to say even with our age difference he’s one of those people where we have a lot in common and have fun talking with each other. The only reason why I’m bringing him up now is because I suddenly realize why men in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s date women much younger than them. I understand enough that it’s inappropriate, or at least nearly 12 years of an age gap feels inappropriate. When I joked about this on Twitter last week, I sort of got my head bitten off in the comments by both men in their 20’s and women in their 30’s dating men in their 20’s.

It’s just for me personally, dating someone so much younger doesn’t feel right. For some people it works and that is great and I am really happy for them but for me, the age gap makes me uncomfortable.

For example, we had this conversation a couple weeks ago where I talked how I’d like to learn how to play D&D, Magic and other type of role playing games. I told him about how in high school I took a class on board game development and how I was too shy to pursue other people to ask them how to play D&D outside of the class. In that same conversation I asked him if he likes personality tests, how much I enjoy the Myers Briggs psychology tests and even my love of horoscopes because of their personality traits rather than fortune telling. He remembered… all of this. Every last word.

So on Monday/yesterday he asks me if I’ve heard about “Magic to Gathering Color” personality test because of how similar it was to the Myers Briggs tests and that he thought I’d like it. I said no, I hadn’t heard of it and he proceeded to remind me that it’s from the game Magic. I looked confused and he asked, “Didn’t you tell me you took a board game class where you played magic high school???” And I was like, “yeah, but that was around 18 years ago! I don’t remember much about that.” We were able to laugh and get over the awkward hump with him telling me more about what the personality test but it was a reminder of how much older than I was than him.

Even more stupidly a couple hours later, I tried to give him my phone number. He’s not on social media other than Twitter and he doesn’t interact with anyone and barely goes on. I thought that through text we could talk more about the magic color scheme and what my results were. But he was busy with a customer and as I stood there, my number folded onto a piece of paper like a school girl, I started to feel so stupid. Like lady, it’s nice that the attention he gives you makes you feel flattered but your the adult in this situation in the sense I’m supposed to be the more mature one and you look like an idiot. So after a couple of minutes I just nodded and waved to him and he wished me a good rest of my day.

And really that is that about that. The conversations we have are nice and they are flattering but that’s about it. That’s really all I have to write about today/update wise for now and I am going to try and work on getting an actual blog post finally published instead of these update ones.

Love Until Later


Sarah Smiles

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