You’ve Got A Fri-END In Me- Part Two

Hi there and welcome to Part Two of my You’ve Got a Fri-END In Me series.

It feels weird calling it a series as that wasn’t the original intention. But as I began to write and really break down the relationship dynamics I’ve had in my life, I realized that keeping it a single blog post, would be just way too long. So far I have four parts outlined.

Part One outlined the foundation of my life up until high school. This part, Part Two, will cover what happened next, then my romantic relationships, codependency and letting friendship and romance cross over into blurred unhealthy lines and boundaries. Part Three will be some friends I made in my twenties and my former friend Spike. Hopefully Part Four will be the last, about Knucklehead, and possible strategies and ways that I can learn how to be a friend and outlining different types of friendships. Also what a healthy friendship is verses toxic ones, how to establish my own boundaries with others and enforce them. How to love others in a platonic way while still loving myself. That being said, let’s get into Part Two of You’ve Got A Fri-END In Me.

We last left off with Leah moving back to Los Angeles.

Before I jump off from there though, it’s really important to explain why and how much I enjoyed being alone. The simplest way to explain it is in a quote by Betty Davis who simply said: “I love to be alone, but I hate being lonely.”

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You’ve Got a Fri-END In Me- Part One

“I need your friendship more than you need mine,” I said. I could barely get the words out of my mouth and I felt them choke in my throat as I was speaking.

His back stiffened. I could see the hairs on the back of his neck rise and he wouldn’t meet my gaze. His head was down as he continued to process his work, trying not to show a reaction. I of course continued to ramble, trying to explain myself.

“That is to say, I don’t mean like, I have to have your friendship or need it to survive,” I paused, waiting to see if he would make eye contact with me. After a moment he did. “I can,” I continued. “I would be just fine if we decided to not be friends or ever speak again it’s just…”

I trailed off not knowing how to finish my thought. “I don’t know how to explain it.

That wasn’t entirely true. I sort of knew. Because Knucklehead, the guy in the conversation, and I had had our first fight. It had gone pretty badly and had been over extremely dumb reason. He was the first “in person” friend (as opposed to my online friends) I had made in years whom I had felt what I can only describe as an instant bond with. The former being a man named Spike which was a loaded minefield of a friendship that of within of itself, you’ll read later on in this entry, that I finally put an end to in the summer of 2021. Before Spike it had been years upon years, when I was in my mid-twenties when I had last attempted to make actual real life friends.

It’s like this.

I meet people everyday that I can get along with just fine in friendly conversation. I even like these people I have this casual conversations with. But it’s rare for me to do anything further than that such as venture outside whatever social context that we know each other in. For instance, my work friends generally stay as just work friends, rarely getting as much as a text from me. While I am in whatever social situation that I’m in, using the continued example of work, I don’t mind opening up about my personal life with people such as my coworkers, even occasionally sharing some very intimate details about myself. That being said of course, I get to control the narrative of what I share. How much. To whom. Why. It’s my story whom I get to share it with. At the end of the day, despite of what personal information I’ve freely given out, they still don’t know me.

They don’t know me, the core of me. What makes me who I am, almost no one ever gets to see. Knucklehead had been different. I’ll explain.


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Falling Out Of Love With Fall

For most of my life, Fall was my favorite time of year. I loved the sharp crispness in the air that you can both feel and smell at the same time. If you tried to bottle the scent it’s the smell of wood burning, cinnamon, and something else… Something I can’t put into words and the closest I can even begin to describe is how in Gilmore Girls, Lorelai could smell when it was going to snow. I could always smell Fall just by walking outside my front door. I love being able to dress in multiple layers of clothes, especially sweaters and hoodies, it makes me feel warm and so cozy. I love the turning color of the leaves, the crisp crunch they make as you stroll through the park. I love the festivals from State Fairs to hay rides, pumpkin patches, apple picking, and so many more. There are so many wonderful reasons I love Fall and yet… this year… I seem to find myself breaking up with the season. It’s no longer my favorite time of the year.

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Envy

You hate me because
You think I’m beautiful
And you want the things
You think I have

You love it when
I share unflattering photos
So you can pick me apart
To make yourself feel better.

But I just want you to know,
I don’t hate you.
You are you
And I am me.

Even though you don’t see it,
Even though you can’t feel it,
At least you struggle to.
You are perfect just as you are.

So please don’t envy me.
Or want the things you wish you had.
Love the you
That’s already you

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He’s Just That Into You… Maybe??

Today (On day I am writing this but will be posted several days later), the New Yorker and I went kayaking and I was so excited for it. The night before I had booked the rental reservations I was literally jumping down in my seat nor could I fall asleep that night till 2am. I might as well have been excited for Santa Claus coming the next morning.

I got the idea a week ago, when he and I went out to eat at Red’s Ice House. We saw dolphins jumping in Shem’s Creek playing with the kayaker’s who paddled on by and I was just like… I want to do that. It made me think of when I was fourteen and visiting my dad in Calgary for a couple weeks over the summer. There was this very suburban park and man made lake and one afternoon, my dad simply offered to go kayaking together. I could not say why or how this idea got started, only that it did. The next thing I knew I was paddling away in my own boat while he and my siblings were in another. I remember the sun shining down on us and how fun it was to paddle the oars back and forth. Afterwards, I remember being tired but I mostly remember, damn that was fun!

So as I looked at the dolphins, unbeknownst to The New Yorker, I began to think of going kayaking as something to some how set in motion for us to do together. Over the last month he has mentioned several times how he had wanted to go out on the water via a boat. He mostly meant he wanted to float on a big tube on the back of the boat but, I digress. I didn’t know how to rent a boat but then again I didn’t know how rent a kayak but I guess you could say for my own personal interests I was more motivated to look into kayak rentals than full on boats. The boat seemed like a lot more work to be perfectly honest and expensive. The New Yorker thought I had missed looking at the dolphins, or well most of them, but what he didn’t know was that I was capturing a dozen other moments in the process. I was enjoying the sensation of being near him, even as he scrolled through his phone. I can still close my eyes and remember all the sounds of people talking and seagulls squawking and the smell of salt in the air. I can see the waiter going from table to table, the dirty dishes at the bar from the couple who just left, and the guy at the last table furthest from me with the ridiculously tall blue drink I was curious about. I remember laughing at the several emotions that flashed across the New Yorker’s face as I took out my phone to take a candid photo of him. It happened so quickly but with my eyes closed I can slow down the process. The quizzical furrow of the brows as he is trying to figure out what I was doing. The sudden widening of the eyes of surprise followed by annoyance with a quick flick of a momentary eye roll and grimace of pursed lips of acceptance of what I had just done.

“Did you just take my picture?” He asked knowing the answer.

“Yup!” I said not even for the briefest of moments sorry. It was the second photo I had of him that wasn’t on his dating profile, the one before that was our first trip to Island of Palms at the end of July. I wanted more photos of him and for him to take photos of me, I just didn’t know how to ask for it.

“Dork,” he half muttered, shook his head and went back to looking at his phone. I smiled and ate another chip from our appetizer. But anyway, I digress. Let’s move on.

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A Promise

A Promise

I will never tell you that I love you
Without knowing what it means.
A promise:
To love you unconditionally
But hold you to all your faults
I’ll love you as your own person
While still becoming mine.
I promise to always love you
And to stay right at your side
As your equal friend and lover
And to never say goodbye.
I promise that there will be bad times
Where we cry, hurt and fight.
I promise to always listen
And work to make things right.

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9/6/21 Blog Update// What’s Coming Next ??

Hey guys, for those who haven’t read, I finished writing a four part series wrapping up my Lee Burbage series.

It was extremely cathartic to write but I’m mostly glad that it’s done. I have been trying to think of what I want to write next, I am definitely still very much in a writing mood. I have three blog post ideas sort of formalized and started but I’m not entirely sure where to go with any of them quite yet.

One is called “As Old As You Feel” – I don’t have a general concept of what this will be except a small outline of how the relationship I had with my grandpa.

The second”Finding My Religion” which will talk about my experiences going to church for the first time in +20 years and the relationship/nature I am exploring with God. This might be more of a series than a single blog post but I’m not entirely sure at the moment. On August 29th my coworker + friend John invited me to his church and I had a good time. Did I feel cheesy clapping my hands along to country music about God? Totally. But it was freeing at the same time to just let go and be in the moment. It opened up something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

The last blog entry post that I have sitting on my phone’s notes is about the season of Fall, my relationship to it and why it’s my favorite Season. I love it for many reasons other than my love for Halloween and all things magical/witch crafty, cute sweaters, cooler weather and the fact that I was born in the Fall. I don’t have a title yet for this blog post yet nor even know where I want to go with it.

The other things I am working on are of course, writing poetry. I am re-writing the poem “I Love” to “I Love… Me!” It’s still very much in development though and as always how I write my poetry, I never know when it will be complete. I have a couple other finished poems that I’d like to publish. I wrote this one poem called “A Promise” in July. I wrote it for the day when I meet the love of my life, the last time I will ever say I love you to someone. Like I want to use it as vows if I were to ever get married. I’m extremely proud of it and is one of the best pieces of poetry I’ve ever written. I didn’t publish it on my blog because I was afraid Lee would make it about him. Enter major eye rolling here. 🙄

I do want to be more frequent and present here on my blog, especially that it means so much that a handful of you really enjoy my writing. I can’t make any promises on how often or frequent I will post but, I will make more of an effort. I have a bunch of Sims stuff I had been working on/putting on pause and I am going to try focusing on that plus filming my first ever vlog this week. Or at least I am going to try vlogging again. I keep saying I am going to try but keep chickening out. But yes. I am going to try.

I have a possible date this Friday with someone that I’m curious about. Not that anything stopped happening with The New Yorker, we have a beach day for tomorrow/Tuesday 9/7 but like I’ve made it clear in Friends With Benefits, we are just that. But yeah. I don’t feel super comfortable writing about my daily life as it’s happening at the current moment or about every date I ever go on/who I’m seeing at any given time but at the same time, I am going to take it on a case by case basis. It will be the first time I’ve gone out on a date with someone that wasn’t The New Yorker. I’ve talked about a couple times on various entries how I’m not a juggler when it comes to dating multiple people but, like I also said, I am just curious about this new guy and exploring my options. If anything happens with this person, it will go very slowly. No date or plans have only been made, only that we talked about the possibility of a coffee date. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, that’s all I have for tonight. I hoped you enjoyed this update and I will see you around.

Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

Dear Lee Burbage: Part Two

If you haven’t already, I do really recommend that you go back and read part one. The purpose of Part One is to demonstrate what had led to Part Two: The close out and moving on with my life and eventually the events that transpired in the week prior. I’d also check out Friends With Benefits if you haven’t read that one already too to understand how Lee violated “the rules” of what “we were” and what a Friends With Benefits relationship actually is. I Want To See You Be Brave talks about the day Lee messaged me for the first time in months. But still…

Let’s quickly recap.

I met Lee on a dating app and we dated for a week then he broke up with me. We reconnected two months later through Facebook Messenger and even though I was dating someone else non exclusively, Lee and I ended up having sex and having a connection. Lee and I decided to explore the option of friends with benefits but very quickly deteriorated into more. You’ll later read in this blog that he denies ever being more than friends with benefits but the screen shots in part one from my friend who I share intimate detail parts of my life that was obviously outline that, that was not the case. I never make the claim that he was in love with me, just that we were beyond what is considered to be just friends with benefits. I confessed that I had developed feelings for Lee quicker than he did, that I was falling in love with him but didn’t expect anything about our current situation to change nor for him to fully reciprocate how I felt in return. I wanted to keep things going as they were. At first he told me was was fine with this arrangement and how I felt and he promised to let me know when things felt “too relationshipy” for him. We had started making plans to hangout of his apartment, to do things other than have sex when his grandma fell ill and then suddenly died. I wanted to be there to help comfort him in his time of grief but instead he pushed me away and shut me out. I was beyond hurt but tried to keep living my life for me while he dealt with his grief. We ended up talking about how we both needed space and how hopefully we could pick up again one day and reevaluate where we stood with each other, even if that just meant being friends without any romantic involvement. And that’s where we left things off last time…

Crazy no?! Straight out of a telenovela! I’m waiting for the evil twin brother to pop out any minute now. (Not really, I’ve watched three straight seasons of Jane the Virgin) Anyway, that being said, let’s continue on to what happened next.

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I Want To See You Be Brave

I didn’t think of Voldemort,” said Harry honestly. “I – I remembered those dementors.”

“I see,” said Lupin thoughtfully. “Well, well… I’m impressed.” He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry’s face. “That suggests that what you fear most of all is — fear. Very wise, Harry.”

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

I remember the first time I read that scene in Harry Potter, roughly around the age of 13 years old or so, when Harry was asked what his bogart was. I remember wondering what my own biggest fear was. Not just what I was afraid of but what my biggest fear was. For instance, I didn’t like spiders like Ron but I wouldn’t go so far to say that spiders were what I was most afraid of. I wanted to know what my bogart would be. Here’s what I knew.

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Friends With Benefits

A couple days before I had posted my Dear Lee Burbage: Part 1 blog post, I had gotten a request on my Dangerously Stupid post to please post a current update status of my love life. Now because of how heavily my blog gets bogged down with spam, all my comments are on manually approved and because the way this request was worded, I wasn’t really sure if it was genuine or just slyly accredited enough to slip through the automatic spam filter, which does happen from time to time. Even still I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer it.

The past is a lot easier to examine and to be like Captain Hindsight than actually knowing what the hell I’m doing at any given moment in the present. I’ve only ever learned how to learn fix my mistakes after I’ve made them let alone as I was making them. I usually need distance in order to get clarity and have those “oooh” moments instead of I guess say, Captain Preventative. But as I have been doing a lot of research on the definition of friends with benefits and trying to understand exactly how the nature of the relationship I had with Lee was just so different than the current actual friends with benefits I have now and I think it’s important to talk about the differences. I think it’s important to talk about these differences not just for me but for anyone else who is also struggling or has struggled with a friends with benefits arrangement. It’s important to know what lines are being crossed and what’s a red flag or not.

Normally, it is extremely important to establish first with your current sexual partner clear outlines and boundaries on what is expected from the other but sometimes you just don’t even know what you are needing to ask for to be even able to talk to your friend. I certainly didn’t. And I still wouldn’t know either if any of what happened between Lee and I in what’s coming up in Part 2 hadn’t actually happened. Lee made me feel like everything was my fault except for him ghosting me. Like I caught the flu and he was afraid to catch it while denying he was showing signs of having symptoms himself. I don’t think he even understood how exactly he also violated what he thought was just friends with benefits was actually more akin to casual dating. After doing slightly more digging, I found on the same website of Brides.com an article called When To Move From Casual Dating to a Relationship that helped me understand this. To a lesser degree this article also helped me understand the nature I had with Fishsticks as well except not quite in the same way because Fishsticks and I always agreed on what we were doing was dating.

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