Falling Out Of Love With Fall

For most of my life, Fall was my favorite time of year. I loved the sharp crispness in the air that you can both feel and smell at the same time. If you tried to bottle the scent it’s the smell of wood burning, cinnamon, and something else… Something I can’t put into words and the closest I can even begin to describe is how in Gilmore Girls, Lorelai could smell when it was going to snow. I could always smell Fall just by walking outside my front door. I love being able to dress in multiple layers of clothes, especially sweaters and hoodies, it makes me feel warm and so cozy. I love the turning color of the leaves, the crisp crunch they make as you stroll through the park. I love the festivals from State Fairs to hay rides, pumpkin patches, apple picking, and so many more. There are so many wonderful reasons I love Fall and yet… this year… I seem to find myself breaking up with the season. It’s no longer my favorite time of the year.

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Envy

You hate me because
You think I’m beautiful
And you want the things
You think I have

You love it when
I share unflattering photos
So you can pick me apart
To make yourself feel better.

But I just want you to know,
I don’t hate you.
You are you
And I am me.

Even though you don’t see it,
Even though you can’t feel it,
At least you struggle to.
You are perfect just as you are.

So please don’t envy me.
Or want the things you wish you had.
Love the you
That’s already you

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10-12- Update

Hey, I figured it was time for a quick update since it’s been a couple weeks since my last entry.

Things are going just fine with The New Yorker and I and things are still the same between us. I have wanted to write a little bit about what’s been going on, not necessarily between him and I but a couple of events that have happened.

Like for instance

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He’s Just That Into You… Maybe??

Today (On day I am writing this but will be posted several days later), the New Yorker and I went kayaking and I was so excited for it. The night before I had booked the rental reservations I was literally jumping down in my seat nor could I fall asleep that night till 2am. I might as well have been excited for Santa Claus coming the next morning.

I got the idea a week ago, when he and I went out to eat at Red’s Ice House. We saw dolphins jumping in Shem’s Creek playing with the kayaker’s who paddled on by and I was just like… I want to do that. It made me think of when I was fourteen and visiting my dad in Calgary for a couple weeks over the summer. There was this very suburban park and man made lake and one afternoon, my dad simply offered to go kayaking together. I could not say why or how this idea got started, only that it did. The next thing I knew I was paddling away in my own boat while he and my siblings were in another. I remember the sun shining down on us and how fun it was to paddle the oars back and forth. Afterwards, I remember being tired but I mostly remember, damn that was fun!

So as I looked at the dolphins, unbeknownst to The New Yorker, I began to think of going kayaking as something to some how set in motion for us to do together. Over the last month he has mentioned several times how he had wanted to go out on the water via a boat. He mostly meant he wanted to float on a big tube on the back of the boat but, I digress. I didn’t know how to rent a boat but then again I didn’t know how rent a kayak but I guess you could say for my own personal interests I was more motivated to look into kayak rentals than full on boats. The boat seemed like a lot more work to be perfectly honest and expensive. The New Yorker thought I had missed looking at the dolphins, or well most of them, but what he didn’t know was that I was capturing a dozen other moments in the process. I was enjoying the sensation of being near him, even as he scrolled through his phone. I can still close my eyes and remember all the sounds of people talking and seagulls squawking and the smell of salt in the air. I can see the waiter going from table to table, the dirty dishes at the bar from the couple who just left, and the guy at the last table furthest from me with the ridiculously tall blue drink I was curious about. I remember laughing at the several emotions that flashed across the New Yorker’s face as I took out my phone to take a candid photo of him. It happened so quickly but with my eyes closed I can slow down the process. The quizzical furrow of the brows as he is trying to figure out what I was doing. The sudden widening of the eyes of surprise followed by annoyance with a quick flick of a momentary eye roll and grimace of pursed lips of acceptance of what I had just done.

“Did you just take my picture?” He asked knowing the answer.

“Yup!” I said not even for the briefest of moments sorry. It was the second photo I had of him that wasn’t on his dating profile, the one before that was our first trip to Island of Palms at the end of July. I wanted more photos of him and for him to take photos of me, I just didn’t know how to ask for it.

“Dork,” he half muttered, shook his head and went back to looking at his phone. I smiled and ate another chip from our appetizer. But anyway, I digress. Let’s move on.

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A Promise

A Promise

I will never tell you that I love you
Without knowing what it means.
A promise:
To love you unconditionally
But hold you to all your faults
I’ll love you as your own person
While still becoming mine.
I promise to always love you
And to stay right at your side
As your equal friend and lover
And to never say goodbye.
I promise that there will be bad times
Where we cry, hurt and fight.
I promise to always listen
And work to make things right.

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9/6/21 Blog Update// What’s Coming Next ??

Hey guys, for those who haven’t read, I finished writing a four part series wrapping up my Lee Burbage series.

It was extremely cathartic to write but I’m mostly glad that it’s done. I have been trying to think of what I want to write next, I am definitely still very much in a writing mood. I have three blog post ideas sort of formalized and started but I’m not entirely sure where to go with any of them quite yet.

One is called “As Old As You Feel” – I don’t have a general concept of what this will be except a small outline of how the relationship I had with my grandpa.

The second”Finding My Religion” which will talk about my experiences going to church for the first time in +20 years and the relationship/nature I am exploring with God. This might be more of a series than a single blog post but I’m not entirely sure at the moment. On August 29th my coworker + friend John invited me to his church and I had a good time. Did I feel cheesy clapping my hands along to country music about God? Totally. But it was freeing at the same time to just let go and be in the moment. It opened up something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

The last blog entry post that I have sitting on my phone’s notes is about the season of Fall, my relationship to it and why it’s my favorite Season. I love it for many reasons other than my love for Halloween and all things magical/witch crafty, cute sweaters, cooler weather and the fact that I was born in the Fall. I don’t have a title yet for this blog post yet nor even know where I want to go with it.

The other things I am working on are of course, writing poetry. I am re-writing the poem “I Love” to “I Love… Me!” It’s still very much in development though and as always how I write my poetry, I never know when it will be complete. I have a couple other finished poems that I’d like to publish. I wrote this one poem called “A Promise” in July. I wrote it for the day when I meet the love of my life, the last time I will ever say I love you to someone. Like I want to use it as vows if I were to ever get married. I’m extremely proud of it and is one of the best pieces of poetry I’ve ever written. I didn’t publish it on my blog because I was afraid Lee would make it about him. Enter major eye rolling here. 🙄

I do want to be more frequent and present here on my blog, especially that it means so much that a handful of you really enjoy my writing. I can’t make any promises on how often or frequent I will post but, I will make more of an effort. I have a bunch of Sims stuff I had been working on/putting on pause and I am going to try focusing on that plus filming my first ever vlog this week. Or at least I am going to try vlogging again. I keep saying I am going to try but keep chickening out. But yes. I am going to try.

I have a possible date this Friday with someone that I’m curious about. Not that anything stopped happening with The New Yorker, we have a beach day for tomorrow/Tuesday 9/7 but like I’ve made it clear in Friends With Benefits, we are just that. But yeah. I don’t feel super comfortable writing about my daily life as it’s happening at the current moment or about every date I ever go on/who I’m seeing at any given time but at the same time, I am going to take it on a case by case basis. It will be the first time I’ve gone out on a date with someone that wasn’t The New Yorker. I’ve talked about a couple times on various entries how I’m not a juggler when it comes to dating multiple people but, like I also said, I am just curious about this new guy and exploring my options. If anything happens with this person, it will go very slowly. No date or plans have only been made, only that we talked about the possibility of a coffee date. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, that’s all I have for tonight. I hoped you enjoyed this update and I will see you around.

Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

Dear Lee Burbage: Part Two

If you haven’t already, I do really recommend that you go back and read part one. The purpose of Part One is to demonstrate what had led to Part Two: The close out and moving on with my life and eventually the events that transpired in the week prior. I’d also check out Friends With Benefits if you haven’t read that one already too to understand how Lee violated “the rules” of what “we were” and what a Friends With Benefits relationship actually is. I Want To See You Be Brave talks about the day Lee messaged me for the first time in months. But still…

Let’s quickly recap.

I met Lee on a dating app and we dated for a week then he broke up with me. We reconnected two months later through Facebook Messenger and even though I was dating someone else non exclusively, Lee and I ended up having sex and having a connection. Lee and I decided to explore the option of friends with benefits but very quickly deteriorated into more. You’ll later read in this blog that he denies ever being more than friends with benefits but the screen shots in part one from my friend who I share intimate detail parts of my life that was obviously outline that, that was not the case. I never make the claim that he was in love with me, just that we were beyond what is considered to be just friends with benefits. I confessed that I had developed feelings for Lee quicker than he did, that I was falling in love with him but didn’t expect anything about our current situation to change nor for him to fully reciprocate how I felt in return. I wanted to keep things going as they were. At first he told me was was fine with this arrangement and how I felt and he promised to let me know when things felt “too relationshipy” for him. We had started making plans to hangout of his apartment, to do things other than have sex when his grandma fell ill and then suddenly died. I wanted to be there to help comfort him in his time of grief but instead he pushed me away and shut me out. I was beyond hurt but tried to keep living my life for me while he dealt with his grief. We ended up talking about how we both needed space and how hopefully we could pick up again one day and reevaluate where we stood with each other, even if that just meant being friends without any romantic involvement. And that’s where we left things off last time…

Crazy no?! Straight out of a telenovela! I’m waiting for the evil twin brother to pop out any minute now. (Not really, I’ve watched three straight seasons of Jane the Virgin) Anyway, that being said, let’s continue on to what happened next.

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I Want To See You Be Brave

I didn’t think of Voldemort,” said Harry honestly. “I – I remembered those dementors.”

“I see,” said Lupin thoughtfully. “Well, well… I’m impressed.” He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry’s face. “That suggests that what you fear most of all is — fear. Very wise, Harry.”

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

I remember the first time I read that scene in Harry Potter, roughly around the age of 13 years old or so, when Harry was asked what his bogart was. I remember wondering what my own biggest fear was. Not just what I was afraid of but what my biggest fear was. For instance, I didn’t like spiders like Ron but I wouldn’t go so far to say that spiders were what I was most afraid of. I wanted to know what my bogart would be. Here’s what I knew.

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Friends With Benefits

A couple days before I had posted my Dear Lee Burbage: Part 1 blog post, I had gotten a request on my Dangerously Stupid post to please post a current update status of my love life. Now because of how heavily my blog gets bogged down with spam, all my comments are on manually approved and because the way this request was worded, I wasn’t really sure if it was genuine or just slyly accredited enough to slip through the automatic spam filter, which does happen from time to time. Even still I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer it.

The past is a lot easier to examine and to be like Captain Hindsight than actually knowing what the hell I’m doing at any given moment in the present. I’ve only ever learned how to learn fix my mistakes after I’ve made them let alone as I was making them. I usually need distance in order to get clarity and have those “oooh” moments instead of I guess say, Captain Preventative. But as I have been doing a lot of research on the definition of friends with benefits and trying to understand exactly how the nature of the relationship I had with Lee was just so different than the current actual friends with benefits I have now and I think it’s important to talk about the differences. I think it’s important to talk about these differences not just for me but for anyone else who is also struggling or has struggled with a friends with benefits arrangement. It’s important to know what lines are being crossed and what’s a red flag or not.

Normally, it is extremely important to establish first with your current sexual partner clear outlines and boundaries on what is expected from the other but sometimes you just don’t even know what you are needing to ask for to be even able to talk to your friend. I certainly didn’t. And I still wouldn’t know either if any of what happened between Lee and I in what’s coming up in Part 2 hadn’t actually happened. Lee made me feel like everything was my fault except for him ghosting me. Like I caught the flu and he was afraid to catch it while denying he was showing signs of having symptoms himself. I don’t think he even understood how exactly he also violated what he thought was just friends with benefits was actually more akin to casual dating. After doing slightly more digging, I found on the same website of Brides.com an article called When To Move From Casual Dating to a Relationship that helped me understand this. To a lesser degree this article also helped me understand the nature I had with Fishsticks as well except not quite in the same way because Fishsticks and I always agreed on what we were doing was dating.

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Dear Lee Burbage Part One

If any of you on the internet have been following my blog for any amount of time, you probably have learned three things about me.

  1. I like the Sims
  2. I like to write poetry
  3. I like to write Ted Talk novel length blog posts about my life.

That being said about number three, I go very long periods to where I actually talk about my life or what I’m going through. This is mostly because when I am writing these blogs, I am literally taking a piece of my soul and putting it out for the world to see. It’s very emotionally draining and takes a very heavy toll each and every time I write. On that same note, writing is also very cathartic and I am told not unlike giving birth. (Has no first hand experience to giving birth) You are literally creating life. Words have meaning and have impact on each and every person who reads them. Some will completely resonate with what my writing while many others will simply roll their eyes and move on. It’s all up to the individual and the context of what’s personally going on in their life in how they will perceive in what I have to say.

For instance, there are people who will believe that the trauma I went through in April wasn’t trauma at all. At the end of their day that is their opinion and right to think so. I know what it was for me and I told my story.

This is another story of what happened to me that I’m about to tell. So buckle in folks we’re here for a bumpy ride.

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