Revamp

Hey guys,

I wanted to post an update that in the next coming months, I am going to be doing a website overall revamp. That means not only a new layout and back to an official domain name again but I am going to be rewriting all my old blogs plus new content. I’ve been wanting to rewrite my old blog entries for… awhile. Like all perfectionists, what I produce isn’t good enough, it can be better and that is how I feel about my writing.

For those who enjoy what I write, thank you. I have sat in front of this keyboard too numerous amounts of time and just writing and rewriting the same words.. unable to better convey how I want to say what I want to say. I still need to finish putting out You’ve Got a Friend In Me, Part 3 and then Part 4 and those will come too. I’m hoping the words will come easier the more I can practice.

For the last five years, every new year instead of giving myself a specific goal I instead give myself a word to focus on that entire year. For instance one year was Independence, another on friendship and a third on health. 2022 has been a year where all three of those things have sort of melded into one but I digress. It’s August but I’m already trying to find my word for 2023. Right now I’m experimenting with the word: writing. I don’t like to only start goals on New Years so I figure if I can practice now, I can decide if I want writing to be my 2023 goal.

Anyway, thank you for reading this and I hope you enjoy the revamp. Stay tuned

Love always,

Sarah Smiles

Envy

You hate me because
You think I’m beautiful
And you want the things
You think I have

You love it when
I share unflattering photos
So you can pick me apart
To make yourself feel better.

But I just want you to know,
I don’t hate you.
You are you
And I am me.

Even though you don’t see it,
Even though you can’t feel it,
At least you struggle to.
You are perfect just as you are.

So please don’t envy me.
Or want the things you wish you had.
Love the you
That’s already you

A Promise

A Promise

I will never tell you that I love you
Without knowing what it means.
A promise:
To love you unconditionally
But hold you to all your faults
I’ll love you as your own person
While still becoming mine.
I promise to always love you
And to stay right at your side
As your equal friend and lover
And to never say goodbye.
I promise that there will be bad times
Where we cry, hurt and fight.
I promise to always listen
And work to make things right.

A Letter That I can’t Send

To when or whenever you read this letter,

I was organizing my closet a few days ago. Behind the dresser that I had shoved into the closet to make more space in my bedroom I found two photographs. One was was a silhouette painting of an Eskimo that belonged to my grandmother. When I saw it, I wanted to cry. It was the last thing that belonged to my grandmother that I owned. Everything else was lost when I moved from Portland to Charleston. I had moved so hastily and rashly that I hadn’t been able to come to my senses on what to do with things that belonged to me that I couldn’t immediately fit into a suit case. They were just things, I told myself at the time. Memories are so much more valuable and will always be, stuff will always just be… stuff. But I cried all the same when I realized I left behind things that can never be replaced and can never get back. Like an ornament of my first Christmas as a baby sitting on Santa’s lap. So even though they were still things, I still found myself crying into my pillow weeks after I had moved.

Blindness// Reposting Old Poetry

Originally written on April 8th, 2014. It was meant to be a rough draft but I honestly think it’s just fine on it’s own as it is. I’ve come a very long way mentally since I’ve written this. I think we all struggle with our body and I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have bad days but my mindset has changed a lot since 2014 on my body.

Blindness

When will they finally see?
When will they understand?
Will they ever love the ugly,
That is apart of who I am.

Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever love myself?
Unconditionally, unquestionably, on my own,
Without any of your help.

When will I be the person
I dream myself to be?
The person that I know I am,
The person that I see.

I could tell you that it doesn’t really matter,
And that in part is sort of true.
But if you would ask my heart,
It would tell you that I do.

Happy Tune// Reposting Old Poetry

I was thinking about resharing some of my old blog entries from other websites (that are now privatized to the public) and I stumbled upon this. I wrote this in April 17th, 2014. Not only can’t I even remember who it was about nor did I write any notes on the blog but I have absolutely no memory of writing it.

Happy Tune– Lyrics by this Sarah Smiles

It always starts out with a happy little tune,
It hums on my lips as I sit in my room.
Then those words appear and makes me think of you,
and suddenly my world turns to gloom.

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

I make myself change the words
So they sound happy instead
Still I’m reminded of better times
And moments I no longer have.

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

It’s better if you don’t understand the words
But you shouldn’t worry about what they say,
Just listen to this melody, la, la, la,
And let it melt all your worries away.

*musical pause*

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

New Sims Blog

Hey, I just wanted to write a quick update on here for everyone who searches through my Sims 2 content from mods, challenges, etc.

I purchased a new website called All Things Sims 2 back in May. The premise is exactly what the title says, everything that has to do with Sims 2. Right now my main goal is to transfer not only all the mods from this website over to there but, to get to 5,000 mods. It’s a big project for sure.

As for this blog… I don’t really know what I want to do with this website. It won’t be completely dead, I do want to continue writing and I do want to someday get back into creating videos and will use this blog for both. I can’t say when any of that will happen. It could be next week but it could also very well be six months from now. I also have been explicitly not dating for months now. I tried putting myself back out there in April and I ended up having an extremely bad experience where I naively put myself into a very dangerous situation. I was very lucky to get out safely and not hurt. Instead I’ve just been working on myself and taking time for me. I’ve been focusing on both my mental and physical health. For example, I lost nearly 10lbs in June and hope to lose at least another 5 for July by simply giving up soda and nearly eliminating sugar from my diet. I also journal almost every single day. I started a new job last week and am pretty excited for that. I still work for the same company, I just transferred positions into a completely new field of work for me within that company. The next couple of months for July & August should be very good financially because of this and I hope to make a lot of positive changes in my life going forward.

Anyway, that’s really all I wanted to say for today’s entry. Feel free to check out the new Sims blog and give that a follow!

Until next time

Sarah Smiles

Unfinished Poem/Working Title- It Could Have Been You

Just something I’ve been in the process of working on. It feels more like song lyrics. I’ve been listening to this French rap song called Plus Jamais by Aya Nakamura a lot the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that I will write an update on here and I do mean it. Eventually. I don’t know when… when I’m ready I guess. Still heartbroken from my last journal entry.

Unfinished Poem & Working Title: It Could Have been You

It could have been you,
Who held me close.
It could have been you,
Who kissed me goodnight.
It could have been you
Making love every night

Instead you chose to walk away,
And leave it all behind
Instead you chose to walk away
But I promise I’ll be okay

It could have been you,
To keep my tears at bay,
It could have been you,
To chase my fears away
It could have been you
To be the reason that I smile
It could have been you
If you had only stayed awhile

Innocence

I look at the world, and I want to see good.
I look at the world, and I want to believe.
I wake up each day hoping
That I can be my best self.

I don’t say this blindly or foolishly,
As some would think of me
Too naive.
I say this knowing

That today I might fail.
That there is darkness inside of all of us.
That there are thoughts and deeds
That feel too wicked for redemption.

But I do believe… and I don’t know why.
Only that I do.
That there is hope for me
That there is hope for you too

I Love

I love the way you hold my hand
Our fingers intertwined,
Lightly caressing the other
In a playful dance

I love the way you look at me
It catches my breath every time.
You always look like your about to kiss me
And your smile always give away how you feel.

I love the way you laugh.
With your whole belly and all of your soul.
I love the sound of your voice,
It lifts me up from the saddest place

I love your words,
That tumble out of your mouth.
They calm my anxious heart
And make me want to share my darkest secrets

But most of all, it’s just you.
All of you, Every single part.
Even the parts I can’t explain.
Even the parts I don’t know.

You haven’t said these words to me,
Nor I to you, not quite yet.
It’s too soon
And not soon enough.

But when I think of you,
Which is quite a lot,
I can’t help but think of all the ways I already love you
And how one day you’ll say these words to me