A Letter That I can’t Send

To when or whenever you read this letter,

I was organizing my closet a few days ago. Behind the dresser that I had shoved into the closet to make more space in my bedroom I found two photographs. One was was a silhouette painting of an Eskimo that belonged to my grandmother. When I saw it, I wanted to cry. It was the last thing that belonged to my grandmother that I owned. Everything else was lost when I moved from Portland to Charleston. I had moved so hastily and rashly that I hadn’t been able to come to my senses on what to do with things that belonged to me that I couldn’t immediately fit into a suit case. They were just things, I told myself at the time. Memories are so much more valuable and will always be, stuff will always just be… stuff. But I cried all the same when I realized I left behind things that can never be replaced and can never get back. Like an ornament of my first Christmas as a baby sitting on Santa’s lap. So even though they were still things, I still found myself crying into my pillow weeks after I had moved.

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Blindness// Reposting Old Poetry

Originally written on April 8th, 2014. It was meant to be a rough draft but I honestly think it’s just fine on it’s own as it is. I’ve come a very long way mentally since I’ve written this. I think we all struggle with our body and I’m not going to lie and say I don’t have bad days but my mindset has changed a lot since 2014 on my body.

Blindness

When will they finally see?
When will they understand?
Will they ever love the ugly,
That is apart of who I am.

Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever love myself?
Unconditionally, unquestionably, on my own,
Without any of your help.

When will I be the person
I dream myself to be?
The person that I know I am,
The person that I see.

I could tell you that it doesn’t really matter,
And that in part is sort of true.
But if you would ask my heart,
It would tell you that I do.

Happy Tune// Reposting Old Poetry

I was thinking about resharing some of my old blog entries from other websites (that are now privatized to the public) and I stumbled upon this. I wrote this in April 17th, 2014. Not only can’t I even remember who it was about nor did I write any notes on the blog but I have absolutely no memory of writing it.

Happy TuneLyrics by this Sarah Smiles

It always starts out with a happy little tune,
It hums on my lips as I sit in my room.
Then those words appear and makes me think of you,
and suddenly my world turns to gloom.

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

I make myself change the words
So they sound happy instead
Still I’m reminded of better times
And moments I no longer have.

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

It’s better if you don’t understand the words
But you shouldn’t worry about what they say,
Just listen to this melody, la, la, la,
And let it melt all your worries away.

*musical pause*

Chorus:
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
Without always reminding me of you,
Is there a way to sing a happy tune,
that doesn’t turn me blue? (blue, blue, blue)

New Sims Blog

Hey, I just wanted to write a quick update on here for everyone who searches through my Sims 2 content from mods, challenges, etc.

I purchased a new website called All Things Sims 2 back in May. The premise is exactly what the title says, everything that has to do with Sims 2. Right now my main goal is to transfer not only all the mods from this website over to there but, to get to 5,000 mods. It’s a big project for sure.

As for this blog… I don’t really know what I want to do with this website. It won’t be completely dead, I do want to continue writing and I do want to someday get back into creating videos and will use this blog for both. I can’t say when any of that will happen. It could be next week but it could also very well be six months from now. I also have been explicitly not dating for months now. I tried putting myself back out there in April and I ended up having an extremely bad experience where I naively put myself into a very dangerous situation. I was very lucky to get out safely and not hurt. Instead I’ve just been working on myself and taking time for me. I’ve been focusing on both my mental and physical health. For example, I lost nearly 10lbs in June and hope to lose at least another 5 for July by simply giving up soda and nearly eliminating sugar from my diet. I also journal almost every single day. I started a new job last week and am pretty excited for that. I still work for the same company, I just transferred positions into a completely new field of work for me within that company. The next couple of months for July & August should be very good financially because of this and I hope to make a lot of positive changes in my life going forward.

Anyway, that’s really all I wanted to say for today’s entry. Feel free to check out the new Sims blog and give that a follow!

Until next time

Sarah Smiles

Unfinished Poem/Working Title- It Could Have Been You

Just something I’ve been in the process of working on. It feels more like song lyrics. I’ve been listening to this French rap song called Plus Jamais by Aya Nakamura a lot the last couple of months. I keep telling myself that I will write an update on here and I do mean it. Eventually. I don’t know when… when I’m ready I guess. Still heartbroken from my last journal entry.

Unfinished Poem & Working Title: It Could Have been You

It could have been you,
Who held me close.
It could have been you,
Who kissed me goodnight.
It could have been you
Making love every night

Instead you chose to walk away,
And leave it all behind
Instead you chose to walk away
But I promise I’ll be okay

It could have been you,
To keep my tears at bay,
It could have been you,
To chase my fears away
It could have been you
To be the reason that I smile
It could have been you
If you had only stayed awhile

Innocence

I look at the world, and I want to see good.
I look at the world, and I want to believe.
I wake up each day hoping
That I can be my best self.

I don’t say this blindly or foolishly,
As some would think of me
Too naive.
I say this knowing

That today I might fail.
That there is darkness inside of all of us.
That there are thoughts and deeds
That feel too wicked for redemption.

But I do believe… and I don’t know why.
Only that I do.
That there is hope for me
That there is hope for you too

I Love

I love the way you hold my hand
Our fingers intertwined,
Lightly caressing the other
In a playful dance

I love the way you look at me
It catches my breath every time.
You always look like your about to kiss me
And your smile always give away how you feel.

I love the way you laugh.
With your whole belly and all of your soul.
I love the sound of your voice,
It lifts me up from the saddest place

I love your words,
That tumble out of your mouth.
They calm my anxious heart
And make me want to share my darkest secrets

But most of all, it’s just you.
All of you, Every single part.
Even the parts I can’t explain.
Even the parts I don’t know.

You haven’t said these words to me,
Nor I to you, not quite yet.
It’s too soon
And not soon enough.

But when I think of you,
Which is quite a lot,
I can’t help but think of all the ways I already love you
And how one day you’ll say these words to me

Brandi’s Dream Episode 1: Pleasantview Machinima + CC Haul Feat BBKZ

Hey guys,

So I know I said I would be back back at the end of November and I had/have every intention of coming back but the truth is, writing makes me nervous. It’s always been very emotionally draining and I’ve been battling two sides of the same coin. I want to write, I feel good when I write but at the same time mentally putting aside time to do so gives me anxiety. So it’s just one of those things that needs to happen naturally, I will come back to writing and more when I’m ready.

The Celebrity Sim Challenge is also going to happen eventually as well but in the mean time I finally had the inspiration to finish a project that I started roughly around Jan of 2020, or this time last year. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to film the video for a very long time.

In the beginning everyone was just going to be walking down a runway but I figured out quickly that was going to be very repetitive and monotonous with +300 outfits to go through from BBKZ specifically. I couldn’t figure out how I wanted to not only show the outfits so you could view the CC from different angles but be efficient with my time. At one point 12 outfits took up almost 5 minutes and that wasn’t going to do, so I shelved the project for awhile up until a couple weeks ago where I was randomly playing with camera angles in tab mode. I still very much want to learn more about camera angles so if anyone has any good resources or doesn’t mind talking to me about it I’d very much appreciate it! But because of playing with different camera angles, I was loosely able to put this first video together.

This particular series will be in 6 parts because again, 300 outfits is a lot, and I felt 50 at a time allows me to tell a story and show a decent amount of cc at the same time.

My plan for the moment is to showcase as much available maternity cc there is (it’s a lot more than I realized) from Alpha, MM, Male & Teenage Maternity. I chose Pleasantview because it’s familiar to a lot of us Sims Players for nostalgic reasons and it makes for a good story to go along side a CC Haul. Anyway, enough rambling, here is the series:

Brandi’s Dream: Episode 1

New Sims Challenge: Celebrity Asylum Coming Soon!

I was talking to my friend LadyA on my Sims 2 CC Discord server during the Thanksgiving holiday in voice chat and she shared some funny links with me from Garden of Shadows, Good Genes Challenge. The concept is simple, take really hideously deformed Sims and see how how few generations you can breed out the ugly. The link she shared had some real dooseys.

That being said, it got me thinking of the challenges I’d play back in the mid 2000’s. Before the Good Genes Challenge, there was a challenge called the Uglacy. Or in other terms, the Bad Genes Challenge. The idea was based on the original Sims 2 Legacy Challenge written by Pinstar where the main goal was to make it through 10 generations with one family tree. There were countless spin offs with this, the ABC legacy, Matriach Legacy, and obviously the Uglacy Challenge.

The Uglacy Challenge was something that always made me laugh. There was one writer in particular that I could not get enough of and I believe she actually completed the challenge but remembering her username I could not for the life of me begin to recall. I only remember that by the end of generation 10, it had gotten pretty mutated, that the first generation Sim married in was Sandy Bruty and she had nick named Sandy Fish Lips, a term I’ve forever used since. Then she started of course the Prettacy challenge or what’s now known as the Good Genes Challenge.

I didn’t follow that one quite as closely as I do believe the family’s genetics got solved pretty quickly but LadyA’s mention sparked off an idea in my head. What if we turned an entire town into hideous Sims and brought in really pretty Sims, no celebrities! (the most known for being pretty, right?) and mixed their DNA in with the gene pool. I spent an entire day searching the web for already created celebrities for the Sims 2. It wasn’t too hard to find oddly enough, and by the end of the day it was shy shy of 60 celebrities. There would have been closer to a 100 if not a lot of the links resulted into broken CC but I digress.

Now that I had these gorgeous celebrities, now what? I added a handful of so really crazy looking Sims but after getting so invested in creating all these now townie Sims, I wanted to play with them first, but how? That’s when my previous series of the Asylum came up. I was going to chose 8 random celebrities and lock them up and the first one to achieve their life time want, was going to get their freedom, or enslavement into another challenge but lets not focus on that at the moment.

I’ve been busy working all weekend and part of the week already on this and I’m excited that it should be ready soon. I can’t say for sure when but you can check the top of the Sims page on my site here to learn more. I’ll post more as I know/go and I’ll be updating the YouTube page. I’m not fully returned to YouTube or anything like that, this is just something fun for me that I am enjoying. I hope you will love it too and here’s a little sneak peak of a Thumbnail for the first episode.

Sincerely,

SarahSmiles

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