“And here I go again on my own
Goin’ down the only road I’ve ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
An’ I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time
But here I go again, here I go again”
First off, I apologize to anyone I got Whitesnake stuck in your head. It’s been in my own head for the entire afternoon so, misery loves company.
You might have thought, Ah! if you read my last entry, a poem called: I Love. That maybe I found a relationship, or at the very least am that I’m currently happy, especially for those who read the dating saga months of September and October of 2020. After that, it was like I disappeared from writing all together after my November 1st entry. Not necessarily the internet, oh no I was definitely still online and even dating online, I just was struggling internally to write about it. The thing was, I definitely did want to write about it, I wanted to write about all of it. I even got a very nice comment from one Stuart Danker that he was looking forward to future dating posts on a very well intentioned “Coming Back Soon” entry that I posted literally on my birthday. It’s just every time I found myself trying to come back to the keyboard, I found myself not being able to.
It’s weird to know that its been a week since I finally finished burning the bridges with Ross and letting the ash settle. In theory a week is not a very long time but like Einstein once said, time is relative.
“A second in one reference frame may be longer compared to a second in another reference frame.”
And that couldn’t be more true. At the very end of my last blog post, I talked about how I had been able to let go of all my anger by forgiving myself. That despite the actions I took while angry, that doesn’t define who I am and remembering that I myself, am enough. That same night, I logged back onto Tinder. I wasn’t looking to date but just looking for… something. I don’t know what. Not validation but I did find that. I was reminded of the facts that I already knew, that I am pretty, funny, sweet, smart and caring. That I have enough love in my heart for a thousand life times. I knew I was finally able to let go and move on from Ross. And because of that, there was this odd sort of peace that had settled upon my heart. Like fresh snow on top of a bloody battlefield.
I wrote this poem for my friend Dawn when I was fifteen years old and she was in her late twenties. She was going through a terrible divorce with her husband we nicknamed “the troll”. She was my first friend when I had moved to Portland, Or even though there was this giant age gap between us. I couldn’t help but have it running through my head tonight. Obviously it doesn’t fit 100% but yeah… for the most part it’s spot on for what I’m going through over +15 years later.
Take a picture of us
tear it in two.
that shows you right there
what I think of you.
I hate you.
I love you.
You’re a bastard.
Who broke the plaster
of me and you.
Who couldn’t be true.
Who left me crying there
sitting in the morning dew.
There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing more to do.
As of this moment,
You and I are through.
To say I’m upset is an understatement.
I thought everything was going okay, I thought everything was fine. I log onto Facebook and noticed Ross had re-accepted my friend request. I went to look on his profile and noticed that this girl who had posted on his page before had tagged him in some more posts, specifically watching a movie together. Curious I clicked on her page. I went to her about page and noticed under relationships… “Been in a relationship with Ross ****** since September 9th, 2020.” My jaw dropped. To say I was stunned is an understatement. Considering that he and I had slept together on the 12th through the 13th.
Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more
I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.
That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.
I can write all day about you
But it won’t bring you back
I can dream all night about you
But I won’t wake up next to your face
My body can tremble
But it won’t be because of your lips
I can whisper your name
But you won’t be able to hear it
There were so many could have beens for us
So many firsts I wanted only to share with you
I wanted to make a mess in the kitchen
Just so we ended up ordering take out
And keep singing silly songs in the middle of our conversations
We could have traveled the world together or just stayed inside
But could have beens will only ever be could have beens
And never be for us
I Still Wish
I still think you’ll call me
I still look at my phone and hope for your name
I still miss hearing your voice
I still want everything to go back to being the same
I still love like a fool
A fool without shame
I’m still just a pawn
Caught up in your game
Call out my name
Tell me your wrong
Tell me you think we should
Have been together all along
I know it won’t happen
But I’ll still wish all the same
I wish because I still miss you
Whose heart still full of pain
Breaking up with someone f*cking sucks. I’m sorry for the swearing but I think in this case, it’s very much appropriate and I think it’s something you’ll forgive me for. I do try not to swear too often, not to offend people but it takes away the ompfh that comes with a really good swear word. On that same hand, some days I’ll drop the F bomb on every other word. I am very often a walking contradiction. That being said, losing someone sucks wither it be a lover, a friend, a family member or literally anything else. Grief is universal and can’t be avoided. Grief effects all of us uniquely as some of us deal with it head on and sometimes we hide from it and try to suppress it like it doesn’t exist. Personally, I’ve done both.