I look at the world, and I want to see good.
I look at the world, and I want to believe.
I wake up each day hoping
That I can be my best self.
I don’t say this blindly or foolishly,
As some would think of me
I say this knowing
That today I might fail.
That there is darkness inside of all of us.
That there are thoughts and deeds
That feel too wicked for redemption.
But I do believe… and I don’t know why.
Only that I do.
That there is hope for me
That there is hope for you too
I love the way you hold my hand
Our fingers intertwined,
Lightly caressing the other
In a playful dance
I love the way you look at me
It catches my breath every time.
You always look like your about to kiss me
And your smile always give away how you feel.
I love the way you laugh.
With your whole belly and all of your soul.
I love the sound of your voice,
It lifts me up from the saddest place
I love your words,
That tumble out of your mouth.
They calm my anxious heart
And make me want to share my darkest secrets
But most of all, it’s just you.
All of you, Every single part.
Even the parts I can’t explain.
Even the parts I don’t know.
You haven’t said these words to me,
Nor I to you, not quite yet.
It’s too soon
And not soon enough.
But when I think of you,
Which is quite a lot,
I can’t help but think of all the ways I already love you
And how one day you’ll say these words to me
Every time I see your face,
I want to pull your body close to mine
And melt into your arms
Which are built so strong
I imagine them holding me tight that
any form of self doubt slips away.
Every time I see your face
I want to kiss your lips, soft and warm
and feel them part with mine
as our tongues meet and dance
upon breathes as if they were our last.
Every time I see your face,
even the ones only in my memory,
I can’t help but smile, sometimes in happiness
but always with a little bit of sorrow
Because every time I see your face
I keep these thoughts to myself
Because you are just my friend
Always coming up short,
From every time,
I will never be first
I will never be someone’s choice
I’m always coming up just short
Just shy of expectations
I will never know how to win
In a game I don’t even want to play
It’s weird to know that its been a week since I finally finished burning the bridges with Ross and letting the ash settle. In theory a week is not a very long time but like Einstein once said, time is relative.
“A second in one reference frame may be longer compared to a second in another reference frame.”
And that couldn’t be more true. At the very end of my last blog post, I talked about how I had been able to let go of all my anger by forgiving myself. That despite the actions I took while angry, that doesn’t define who I am and remembering that I myself, am enough. That same night, I logged back onto Tinder. I wasn’t looking to date but just looking for… something. I don’t know what. Not validation but I did find that. I was reminded of the facts that I already knew, that I am pretty, funny, sweet, smart and caring. That I have enough love in my heart for a thousand life times. I knew I was finally able to let go and move on from Ross. And because of that, there was this odd sort of peace that had settled upon my heart. Like fresh snow on top of a bloody battlefield.
I wrote this poem for my friend Dawn when I was fifteen years old and she was in her late twenties. She was going through a terrible divorce with her husband we nicknamed “the troll”. She was my first friend when I had moved to Portland, Or even though there was this giant age gap between us. I couldn’t help but have it running through my head tonight. Obviously it doesn’t fit 100% but yeah… for the most part it’s spot on for what I’m going through over +15 years later.
Take a picture of us
tear it in two.
that shows you right there
what I think of you.
I hate you.
I love you.
You’re a bastard.
Who broke the plaster
of me and you.
Who couldn’t be true.
Who left me crying there
sitting in the morning dew.
There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing more to do.
As of this moment,
You and I are through.
I can write all day about you
But it won’t bring you back
I can dream all night about you
But I won’t wake up next to your face
My body can tremble
But it won’t be because of your lips
I can whisper your name
But you won’t be able to hear it
There were so many could have beens for us
So many firsts I wanted only to share with you
I wanted to make a mess in the kitchen
Just so we ended up ordering take out
And keep singing silly songs in the middle of our conversations
We could have traveled the world together or just stayed inside
But could have beens will only ever be could have beens
And never be for us
I Still Wish
I still think you’ll call me
I still look at my phone and hope for your name
I still miss hearing your voice
I still want everything to go back to being the same
I still love like a fool
A fool without shame
I’m still just a pawn
Caught up in your game
Call out my name
Tell me your wrong
Tell me you think we should
Have been together all along
I know it won’t happen
But I’ll still wish all the same
I wish because I still miss you
Whose heart still full of pain
You thought I loved you because I needed someone to love
You thought I was trying to fill a void
You thought you weren’t interesting and
You thought that I would get bored
You thought we lived in a bubble
You thought it would eventually pop
You never thought it was sustainable
You thought a lot of thoughts a lot.
FYI I don’t normally write two poems in a row so close to each other especially not when I’ve gone years without writing anything. I’m not sure what this means to me quite yet, I’ll figure it out later I just wanted to write it down. Maybe it’ll mean something to you.
The truth is scary because, it is honest.
Honesty is a mirror held to your face.
Your face is your reflection and
Your reflection is all of your imperfections
That are hidden inside all of your truths.