Category Archives: Uncategorized

He’s Just That Into You… Maybe??

Today (On day I am writing this but will be posted several days later), the New Yorker and I went kayaking and I was so excited for it. The night before I had booked the rental reservations I was literally jumping down in my seat nor could I fall asleep that night till 2am. I might as well have been excited for Santa Claus coming the next morning.

I got the idea a week ago, when he and I went out to eat at Red’s Ice House. We saw dolphins jumping in Shem’s Creek playing with the kayaker’s who paddled on by and I was just like… I want to do that. It made me think of when I was fourteen and visiting my dad in Calgary for a couple weeks over the summer. There was this very suburban park and man made lake and one afternoon, my dad simply offered to go kayaking together. I could not say why or how this idea got started, only that it did. The next thing I knew I was paddling away in my own boat while he and my siblings were in another. I remember the sun shining down on us and how fun it was to paddle the oars back and forth. Afterwards, I remember being tired but I mostly remember, damn that was fun!

So as I looked at the dolphins, unbeknownst to The New Yorker, I began to think of going kayaking as something to some how set in motion for us to do together. Over the last month he has mentioned several times how he had wanted to go out on the water via a boat. He mostly meant he wanted to float on a big tube on the back of the boat but, I digress. I didn’t know how to rent a boat but then again I didn’t know how rent a kayak but I guess you could say for my own personal interests I was more motivated to look into kayak rentals than full on boats. The boat seemed like a lot more work to be perfectly honest and expensive. The New Yorker thought I had missed looking at the dolphins, or well most of them, but what he didn’t know was that I was capturing a dozen other moments in the process. I was enjoying the sensation of being near him, even as he scrolled through his phone. I can still close my eyes and remember all the sounds of people talking and seagulls squawking and the smell of salt in the air. I can see the waiter going from table to table, the dirty dishes at the bar from the couple who just left, and the guy at the last table furthest from me with the ridiculously tall blue drink I was curious about. I remember laughing at the several emotions that flashed across the New Yorker’s face as I took out my phone to take a candid photo of him. It happened so quickly but with my eyes closed I can slow down the process. The quizzical furrow of the brows as he is trying to figure out what I was doing. The sudden widening of the eyes of surprise followed by annoyance with a quick flick of a momentary eye roll and grimace of pursed lips of acceptance of what I had just done.

“Did you just take my picture?” He asked knowing the answer.

“Yup!” I said not even for the briefest of moments sorry. It was the second photo I had of him that wasn’t on his dating profile, the one before that was our first trip to Island of Palms at the end of July. I wanted more photos of him and for him to take photos of me, I just didn’t know how to ask for it.

“Dork,” he half muttered, shook his head and went back to looking at his phone. I smiled and ate another chip from our appetizer. But anyway, I digress. Let’s move on.

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A Promise

A Promise

I will never tell you that I love you
Without knowing what it means.
A promise:
To love you unconditionally
But hold you to all your faults
I’ll love you as your own person
While still becoming mine.
I promise to always love you
And to stay right at your side
As your equal friend and lover
And to never say goodbye.
I promise that there will be bad times
Where we cry, hurt and fight.
I promise to always listen
And work to make things right.

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9/6/21 Blog Update// What’s Coming Next ??

Hey guys, for those who haven’t read, I finished writing a four part series wrapping up my Lee Burbage series.

It was extremely cathartic to write but I’m mostly glad that it’s done. I have been trying to think of what I want to write next, I am definitely still very much in a writing mood. I have three blog post ideas sort of formalized and started but I’m not entirely sure where to go with any of them quite yet.

One is called “As Old As You Feel” – I don’t have a general concept of what this will be except a small outline of how the relationship I had with my grandpa.

The second”Finding My Religion” which will talk about my experiences going to church for the first time in +20 years and the relationship/nature I am exploring with God. This might be more of a series than a single blog post but I’m not entirely sure at the moment. On August 29th my coworker + friend John invited me to his church and I had a good time. Did I feel cheesy clapping my hands along to country music about God? Totally. But it was freeing at the same time to just let go and be in the moment. It opened up something in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

The last blog entry post that I have sitting on my phone’s notes is about the season of Fall, my relationship to it and why it’s my favorite Season. I love it for many reasons other than my love for Halloween and all things magical/witch crafty, cute sweaters, cooler weather and the fact that I was born in the Fall. I don’t have a title yet for this blog post yet nor even know where I want to go with it.

The other things I am working on are of course, writing poetry. I am re-writing the poem “I Love” to “I Love… Me!” It’s still very much in development though and as always how I write my poetry, I never know when it will be complete. I have a couple other finished poems that I’d like to publish. I wrote this one poem called “A Promise” in July. I wrote it for the day when I meet the love of my life, the last time I will ever say I love you to someone. Like I want to use it as vows if I were to ever get married. I’m extremely proud of it and is one of the best pieces of poetry I’ve ever written. I didn’t publish it on my blog because I was afraid Lee would make it about him. Enter major eye rolling here. 🙄

I do want to be more frequent and present here on my blog, especially that it means so much that a handful of you really enjoy my writing. I can’t make any promises on how often or frequent I will post but, I will make more of an effort. I have a bunch of Sims stuff I had been working on/putting on pause and I am going to try focusing on that plus filming my first ever vlog this week. Or at least I am going to try vlogging again. I keep saying I am going to try but keep chickening out. But yes. I am going to try.

I have a possible date this Friday with someone that I’m curious about. Not that anything stopped happening with The New Yorker, we have a beach day for tomorrow/Tuesday 9/7 but like I’ve made it clear in Friends With Benefits, we are just that. But yeah. I don’t feel super comfortable writing about my daily life as it’s happening at the current moment or about every date I ever go on/who I’m seeing at any given time but at the same time, I am going to take it on a case by case basis. It will be the first time I’ve gone out on a date with someone that wasn’t The New Yorker. I’ve talked about a couple times on various entries how I’m not a juggler when it comes to dating multiple people but, like I also said, I am just curious about this new guy and exploring my options. If anything happens with this person, it will go very slowly. No date or plans have only been made, only that we talked about the possibility of a coffee date. Fingers crossed.

Anyway, that’s all I have for tonight. I hoped you enjoyed this update and I will see you around.

Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

I Want To See You Be Brave

I didn’t think of Voldemort,” said Harry honestly. “I – I remembered those dementors.”

“I see,” said Lupin thoughtfully. “Well, well… I’m impressed.” He smiled slightly at the look of surprise on Harry’s face. “That suggests that what you fear most of all is — fear. Very wise, Harry.”

Harry Potter & The Prisoner of Azkaban

I remember the first time I read that scene in Harry Potter, roughly around the age of 13 years old or so, when Harry was asked what his bogart was. I remember wondering what my own biggest fear was. Not just what I was afraid of but what my biggest fear was. For instance, I didn’t like spiders like Ron but I wouldn’t go so far to say that spiders were what I was most afraid of. I wanted to know what my bogart would be. Here’s what I knew.

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Friends With Benefits

A couple days before I had posted my Dear Lee Burbage: Part 1 blog post, I had gotten a request on my Dangerously Stupid post to please post a current update status of my love life. Now because of how heavily my blog gets bogged down with spam, all my comments are on manually approved and because the way this request was worded, I wasn’t really sure if it was genuine or just slyly accredited enough to slip through the automatic spam filter, which does happen from time to time. Even still I wasn’t sure if I wanted to answer it.

The past is a lot easier to examine and to be like Captain Hindsight than actually knowing what the hell I’m doing at any given moment in the present. I’ve only ever learned how to learn fix my mistakes after I’ve made them let alone as I was making them. I usually need distance in order to get clarity and have those “oooh” moments instead of I guess say, Captain Preventative. But as I have been doing a lot of research on the definition of friends with benefits and trying to understand exactly how the nature of the relationship I had with Lee was just so different than the current actual friends with benefits I have now and I think it’s important to talk about the differences. I think it’s important to talk about these differences not just for me but for anyone else who is also struggling or has struggled with a friends with benefits arrangement. It’s important to know what lines are being crossed and what’s a red flag or not.

Normally, it is extremely important to establish first with your current sexual partner clear outlines and boundaries on what is expected from the other but sometimes you just don’t even know what you are needing to ask for to be even able to talk to your friend. I certainly didn’t. And I still wouldn’t know either if any of what happened between Lee and I in what’s coming up in Part 2 hadn’t actually happened. Lee made me feel like everything was my fault except for him ghosting me. Like I caught the flu and he was afraid to catch it while denying he was showing signs of having symptoms himself. I don’t think he even understood how exactly he also violated what he thought was just friends with benefits was actually more akin to casual dating. After doing slightly more digging, I found on the same website of Brides.com an article called When To Move From Casual Dating to a Relationship that helped me understand this. To a lesser degree this article also helped me understand the nature I had with Fishsticks as well except not quite in the same way because Fishsticks and I always agreed on what we were doing was dating.

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Dear Lee Burbage Part One

If any of you on the internet have been following my blog for any amount of time, you probably have learned three things about me.

  1. I like the Sims
  2. I like to write poetry
  3. I like to write Ted Talk novel length blog posts about my life.

That being said about number three, I go very long periods to where I actually talk about my life or what I’m going through. This is mostly because when I am writing these blogs, I am literally taking a piece of my soul and putting it out for the world to see. It’s very emotionally draining and takes a very heavy toll each and every time I write. On that same note, writing is also very cathartic and I am told not unlike giving birth. (Has no first hand experience to giving birth) You are literally creating life. Words have meaning and have impact on each and every person who reads them. Some will completely resonate with what my writing while many others will simply roll their eyes and move on. It’s all up to the individual and the context of what’s personally going on in their life in how they will perceive in what I have to say.

For instance, there are people who will believe that the trauma I went through in April wasn’t trauma at all. At the end of their day that is their opinion and right to think so. I know what it was for me and I told my story.

This is another story of what happened to me that I’m about to tell. So buckle in folks we’re here for a bumpy ride.

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Dangerously Stupid

I’d like to meet the person whose never done anything stupid before. No really, I would. Everyone has done to a certain degree something so stupid that they look back and groan, “Why did I do that?!”

Some are pretty easy such as mooning over a crush and acting like an idiot in front of them. Then there are always fashion choices, someone still needs to travel back to 2011 and slap some sense into why I thought headbands on a mid twenty something woman looked good… I still blame Gossip Girl. The other kind of stupid decisions are the dangerous ones… and boy have I made plenty of those.

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A Letter That I can’t Send

To when or whenever you read this letter,

I was organizing my closet a few days ago. Behind the dresser that I had shoved into the closet to make more space in my bedroom I found two photographs. One was was a silhouette painting of an Eskimo that belonged to my grandmother. When I saw it, I wanted to cry. It was the last thing that belonged to my grandmother that I owned. Everything else was lost when I moved from Portland to Charleston. I had moved so hastily and rashly that I hadn’t been able to come to my senses on what to do with things that belonged to me that I couldn’t immediately fit into a suit case. They were just things, I told myself at the time. Memories are so much more valuable and will always be, stuff will always just be… stuff. But I cried all the same when I realized I left behind things that can never be replaced and can never get back. Like an ornament of my first Christmas as a baby sitting on Santa’s lap. So even though they were still things, I still found myself crying into my pillow weeks after I had moved.

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New Sims Blog

Hey, I just wanted to write a quick update on here for everyone who searches through my Sims 2 content from mods, challenges, etc.

I purchased a new website called All Things Sims 2 back in May. The premise is exactly what the title says, everything that has to do with Sims 2. Right now my main goal is to transfer not only all the mods from this website over to there but, to get to 5,000 mods. It’s a big project for sure.

As for this blog… I don’t really know what I want to do with this website. It won’t be completely dead, I do want to continue writing and I do want to someday get back into creating videos and will use this blog for both. I can’t say when any of that will happen. It could be next week but it could also very well be six months from now. I also have been explicitly not dating for months now. I tried putting myself back out there in April and I ended up having an extremely bad experience where I naively put myself into a very dangerous situation. I was very lucky to get out safely and not hurt. Instead I’ve just been working on myself and taking time for me. I’ve been focusing on both my mental and physical health. For example, I lost nearly 10lbs in June and hope to lose at least another 5 for July by simply giving up soda and nearly eliminating sugar from my diet. I also journal almost every single day. I started a new job last week and am pretty excited for that. I still work for the same company, I just transferred positions into a completely new field of work for me within that company. The next couple of months for July & August should be very good financially because of this and I hope to make a lot of positive changes in my life going forward.

Anyway, that’s really all I wanted to say for today’s entry. Feel free to check out the new Sims blog and give that a follow!

Until next time

Sarah Smiles

I’m back!

Hey guys, I just wanted to apologize for not being here on my blog for the last couple of months. I’ve been super busy with so many other projects like, I had my first lot approved on MTS. The Trajique Memorial Park

Screenshot (761)

I spent a lot of January working on a new challenge series called the Asylum challenge but I decided to take a break uploading videos for a couple months, like probably till the end of March. I might come back earlier but I am taking it day by day. I did post my interview with Jonathan from The Ninth Wave as my last video.

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I had a meme on my FB page go viral with over 10,000 hits. (that’s viral for me) It was a random funny meme that I had found funny and shared and I guess a lot of you loved it too.

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But yeah, other than that I’ve mostly been working on sharing CC on my Sims 2 Custom Content Discord which you can join here if you are interested. discord.gg/sKk2Mrm It’s designed to have all Sims 2 CC organized so you can find what your looking for almost at the tip of your finger tips. It has over 225 members currently and I couldn’t be more stoked.

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That is everything that’s been happening in January/first part of February. I’m going to be adding more mods to the mod list and finishing the Trajique bio’s. I also want to finish the recap episodes and I’ll talk about future plans I want to work on after I get those done! Until then stay tuned.

Sincerely,

Sarah Smiles

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