Category Archives: Writing

Closure

I like how sometimes you get the closure you didn’t even know you needed in unexpected ways. Yesterday the Cuban messaged me out of no where. The last I wrote about him was on the 7th of October but that was before we had mutually ended it. We had decided we weren’t a good fit together a few days later on the 12th. We were just two different types of people and while I was willing to try and work out some kind of compromise, I didn’t feel like the Cuban ever wanted to meet me half way. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

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Teenagers: Chapter 11 of the Homemaker Challenge

We last left off the Homemaker challenge with a very dramatic episode of the twins getting into private school. It’s late Friday night and Minneapolis had rolled the want to do her brother Paul’s homework. She has the want to go fishing but also to talk about her hobby enthusiasm. I like the idea of her mother hearing noises coming from downstairs and going to find Minneapolis ecstatically chatting her ear off about science. Perhaps she’s asking Victoria if she’s aloud to go star gazing or perhaps excited to join in on a science club at her new school. Either way it’s very late and if she has the same want in the morning to go fishing, New York is going to take her to go fishing again.

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A Little Insecure

It’s weird to know that its been a week since I finally finished burning the bridges with Ross and letting the ash settle. In theory a week is not a very long time but like Einstein once said, time is relative.

“A second in one reference frame may be longer compared to a second in another reference frame.”

And that couldn’t be more true. At the very end of my last blog post, I talked about how I had been able to let go of all my anger by forgiving myself. That despite the actions I took while angry, that doesn’t define who I am and remembering that I myself, am enough. That same night, I logged back onto Tinder. I wasn’t looking to date but just looking for… something. I don’t know what. Not validation but I did find that. I was reminded of the facts that I already knew, that I am pretty, funny, sweet, smart and caring. That I have enough love in my heart for a thousand life times. I knew I was finally able to let go and move on from Ross. And because of that, there was this odd sort of peace that had settled upon my heart. Like fresh snow on top of a bloody battlefield.

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The Monster Inside Us All

There is a little tiny monster inside of all of us. It sleeps like a dragon on a pile of gold, slumbering. For most of us, it is not easily disturbed and very rarely awakens. At least mine rarely is. When it is awakened, it roars not from being disturbed by sleep. It’s furious that it’s gold is in jeopardy of being stolen. You, yourself fully are the gold. Each of us are the treasure that needs to be protected. For some people the monster will attack itself confused by where the danger is coming from. Some it directly goes in for the kill.

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Bastard

I wrote this poem for my friend Dawn when I was fifteen years old and she was in her late twenties. She was going through a terrible divorce with her husband we nicknamed “the troll”. She was my first friend when I had moved to Portland, Or even though there was this giant age gap between us. I couldn’t help but have it running through my head tonight. Obviously it doesn’t fit 100% but yeah… for the most part it’s spot on for what I’m going through over +15 years later.

Bastard

Take a picture of us
tear it in two.
that shows you right there
what I think of you.
I hate you.
I love you.
You’re a bastard.
Who broke the plaster
of me and you.
Who couldn’t be true.
Who left me crying there
sitting in the morning dew.
There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing more to do.
As of this moment,
You and I are through.

Back to Square One

To say I’m upset is an understatement.

I thought everything was going okay, I thought everything was fine. I log onto Facebook and noticed Ross had re-accepted my friend request. I went to look on his profile and noticed that this girl who had posted on his page before had tagged him in some more posts, specifically watching a movie together. Curious I clicked on her page. I went to her about page and noticed under relationships… “Been in a relationship with Ross ****** since September 9th, 2020.” My jaw dropped. To say I was stunned is an understatement. Considering that he and I had slept together on the 12th through the 13th.

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Better

Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more

I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.

That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.

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More Ramblings of a Heartbroken Woman

I can write all day about you
But it won’t bring you back
I can dream all night about you
But I won’t wake up next to your face
My body can tremble
But it won’t be because of your lips
I can whisper your name
But you won’t be able to hear it

There were so many could have beens for us
So many firsts I wanted only to share with you
I wanted to make a mess in the kitchen
Just so we ended up ordering take out
And keep singing silly songs in the middle of our conversations
We could have traveled the world together or just stayed inside
But could have beens will only ever be could have beens
And never be for us

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