I wrote this poem for my friend Dawn when I was fifteen years old and she was in her late twenties. She was going through a terrible divorce with her husband we nicknamed “the troll”. She was my first friend when I had moved to Portland, Or even though there was this giant age gap between us. I couldn’t help but have it running through my head tonight. Obviously it doesn’t fit 100% but yeah… for the most part it’s spot on for what I’m going through over +15 years later.
Take a picture of us
tear it in two.
that shows you right there
what I think of you.
I hate you.
I love you.
You’re a bastard.
Who broke the plaster
of me and you.
Who couldn’t be true.
Who left me crying there
sitting in the morning dew.
There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing more to do.
As of this moment,
You and I are through.
Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more
I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.
That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.
I can write all day about you
But it won’t bring you back
I can dream all night about you
But I won’t wake up next to your face
My body can tremble
But it won’t be because of your lips
I can whisper your name
But you won’t be able to hear it
There were so many could have beens for us
So many firsts I wanted only to share with you
I wanted to make a mess in the kitchen
Just so we ended up ordering take out
And keep singing silly songs in the middle of our conversations
We could have traveled the world together or just stayed inside
But could have beens will only ever be could have beens
And never be for us
I Still Wish
I still think you’ll call me
I still look at my phone and hope for your name
I still miss hearing your voice
I still want everything to go back to being the same
I still love like a fool
A fool without shame
I’m still just a pawn
Caught up in your game
Call out my name
Tell me your wrong
Tell me you think we should
Have been together all along
I know it won’t happen
But I’ll still wish all the same
I wish because I still miss you
Whose heart still full of pain
You thought I loved you because I needed someone to love
You thought I was trying to fill a void
You thought you weren’t interesting and
You thought that I would get bored
You thought we lived in a bubble
You thought it would eventually pop
You never thought it was sustainable
You thought a lot of thoughts a lot.
I wish I had never said I love you
I wish you had told me goodbye
I wish you had the courage to to tell me the truth
I wish you wouldn’t have lied
You tore out my heart and you ate it with glee
You tore out my heart and I tried not to scream
I still wish you the best
I still wish for you to find love
I wish for you to have courage
For your ever quest to find true love