Always coming up short,
From every time,
I will never be first
I will never be someone’s choice
I’m always coming up just short
Just shy of expectations
I will never know how to win
In a game I don’t even want to play
“Manage your expectations,” my subconscious ominously says to me.
“What?” I reply
“Manage your expectations,” it says again.
“What does that even mean?”
“I dunno,” it shrugs nonchalantly as if it could care either way. “I just deliver the messages.”
“Thanks….” I reply, annoyed. My subconscious, third eye, intuition, whatever you want to call it, can be a real vague bitch sometimes. “I don’t even know what to do with that information,” I say in frustration.
//Warning// This Blog Post Contains Strong Sexual Language and Talks of Sensitive Subjects Such as Suicide Others Might Find Triggering.
There is a little tiny monster inside of all of us. It sleeps like a dragon on a pile of gold, slumbering. For most of us, it is not easily disturbed and very rarely awakens. At least mine rarely is. When it is awakened, it roars not from being disturbed by sleep. It’s furious that it’s gold is in jeopardy of being stolen. You, yourself fully are the gold. Each of us are the treasure that needs to be protected. For some people the monster will attack itself confused by where the danger is coming from. Some it directly goes in for the kill.
I wrote this poem for my friend Dawn when I was fifteen years old and she was in her late twenties. She was going through a terrible divorce with her husband we nicknamed “the troll”. She was my first friend when I had moved to Portland, Or even though there was this giant age gap between us. I couldn’t help but have it running through my head tonight. Obviously it doesn’t fit 100% but yeah… for the most part it’s spot on for what I’m going through over +15 years later.
Take a picture of us
tear it in two.
that shows you right there
what I think of you.
I hate you.
I love you.
You’re a bastard.
Who broke the plaster
of me and you.
Who couldn’t be true.
Who left me crying there
sitting in the morning dew.
There’s nothing more to say
There’s nothing more to do.
As of this moment,
You and I are through.
To say I’m upset is an understatement.
I thought everything was going okay, I thought everything was fine. I log onto Facebook and noticed Ross had re-accepted my friend request. I went to look on his profile and noticed that this girl who had posted on his page before had tagged him in some more posts, specifically watching a movie together. Curious I clicked on her page. I went to her about page and noticed under relationships… “Been in a relationship with Ross ****** since September 9th, 2020.” My jaw dropped. To say I was stunned is an understatement. Considering that he and I had slept together on the 12th through the 13th.
Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more
I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.
That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.