I look at the world, and I want to see good.
I look at the world, and I want to believe.
I wake up each day hoping
That I can be my best self.
I don’t say this blindly or foolishly,
As some would think of me
I say this knowing
That today I might fail.
That there is darkness inside of all of us.
That there are thoughts and deeds
That feel too wicked for redemption.
But I do believe… and I don’t know why.
Only that I do.
That there is hope for me
That there is hope for you too
Every time I see your face,
I want to pull your body close to mine
And melt into your arms
Which are built so strong
I imagine them holding me tight that
any form of self doubt slips away.
Every time I see your face
I want to kiss your lips, soft and warm
and feel them part with mine
as our tongues meet and dance
upon breathes as if they were our last.
Every time I see your face,
even the ones only in my memory,
I can’t help but smile, sometimes in happiness
but always with a little bit of sorrow
Because every time I see your face
I keep these thoughts to myself
Because you are just my friend
I like how sometimes you get the closure you didn’t even know you needed in unexpected ways. Yesterday the Cuban messaged me out of no where. The last I wrote about him was on the 7th of October but that was before we had mutually ended it. We had decided we weren’t a good fit together a few days later on the 12th. We were just two different types of people and while I was willing to try and work out some kind of compromise, I didn’t feel like the Cuban ever wanted to meet me half way. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.
Percussive Maintenance– Noun. (uncountable) (humorous) The use of physical concussion, such as a knock or a tap, in an attempt to make a malfunctioning device or person work.
It’s weird to know that its been a week since I finally finished burning the bridges with Ross and letting the ash settle. In theory a week is not a very long time but like Einstein once said, time is relative.
“A second in one reference frame may be longer compared to a second in another reference frame.”
And that couldn’t be more true. At the very end of my last blog post, I talked about how I had been able to let go of all my anger by forgiving myself. That despite the actions I took while angry, that doesn’t define who I am and remembering that I myself, am enough. That same night, I logged back onto Tinder. I wasn’t looking to date but just looking for… something. I don’t know what. Not validation but I did find that. I was reminded of the facts that I already knew, that I am pretty, funny, sweet, smart and caring. That I have enough love in my heart for a thousand life times. I knew I was finally able to let go and move on from Ross. And because of that, there was this odd sort of peace that had settled upon my heart. Like fresh snow on top of a bloody battlefield.
There is a little tiny monster inside of all of us. It sleeps like a dragon on a pile of gold, slumbering. For most of us, it is not easily disturbed and very rarely awakens. At least mine rarely is. When it is awakened, it roars not from being disturbed by sleep. It’s furious that it’s gold is in jeopardy of being stolen. You, yourself fully are the gold. Each of us are the treasure that needs to be protected. For some people the monster will attack itself confused by where the danger is coming from. Some it directly goes in for the kill.
Today was a good day.
Maybe not the best day
But better than the one before.
Perhaps I’ll like tomorrow a little more
I’m writing this just to let people know that I’ve been doing alright. I’ve been keeping myself really busy at work, mostly trying to prove myself at my job and busting my a** so by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open for very long. Periodically I will get these random spurts of alertness where I have the motivation to do absolutely nothing productive than play a little bit of Neopets, talk a little bit on Discord/Facebook and watch a YouTube video here and there. Basically just to disassociate and not focus on my feelings. There was this brief period of motivation as the DoorDash driver handed me a bag of McDonald’s that oh yeah, I should probably work on going after my goals.
That might not sound like I’m doing better but trust me… for me, it is.